Report Finds Irish Girls Among Worst Dancers in World

A recently published study, carried out by Princeton University's Department of Hairdressing in conjunction with Donegal College for Nuclear Physics, has determined that of 249 nationalities surveyed, Irish women are among the worst dancers in the world. The study, which took 712 hours (the playing time of all 143 'Now That's What I Call Music' albums) to complete, saw professors from the two institutions travel across the globe, where they studied women dancing on the sun-kissed beaches of Rio, in the heaving nightclubs of Ibiza, in the lounges of Las Vegas and in a dirty oul' field on a damp morning in County Leitrim.

Professor Irving 'Jim' Irvstein, a leading psychological engineer and part-time colorist at Mandy's Hair Creations, led the investigation, and said of its findings: 'Dancing is a form of celebration, a way of expressing one's inner delight and excitement at a particularly memorable moment of joy. We see a direct correlation between witnessing thousands of bronzed beauties in bikinis celebrate football's World Cup on the beaches in Brazil, to watching a mad oul' one slow-dance with an injured calf on a freezing morning in Athlone. Though admittedly, I sent my assistant, Clive, to watch that one. He said it was a little disturbing, and fairly shite'.

Professor Irvstein, speaking from his cell in Dublin's Mountjoy Prison, where he's being held for impersonating a university professor, and ogling dancing women in a disturbing manner, spoke of the various experiments his team carried out to ensure fairness across the board. While in Milan at an after-party during Fashion Week, his staff observed the models dancing to some of Europe's most well-known DJs, and then in Clondalkin, County Dublin, he went to an over-40s event on a Tuesday afternoon to Cassie Blanca's Nite Klub, where he asked the resident spinmaster to play 'Don't You Want Me' the 1982 hit by The Human League, over and over again.

'Watching 14 oul' ones dancing around little white handbags, and indeed, the occasional plastic supermarket carrier bag, one with the groceries still inside, wasn't quite up to par with observing Monaco's royalty strutting their majestic stuff at a function celebrating their brilliantness, but sure, it's all a bit of craic', said the Professor's assistant Clive, as he continually smelled his hands.

Among the other regions ranked in the dancing stakes, were: Colombia, where the study-team took in a private event at pop singer Shakira's residence, Ukraine as the World ice-skating championships was going on and Tullamore, County Offaly, during calving season.

Speaking of Ireland's relatively low ranking in the dancing charts (the nation came 247th out of 249 countries, only Ceylon, which doesn't technically exist anymore, and North Korea, which the lads weren't allowed into, ranked lower), Bernie Cobb, the 11-time runner-up in County Westmeath's bi-annual disco dancing tournament, said; 'Ah that's me hole'.

Story by Bosco Coppell, pictures by Denise's Carry-On Luggage and Removable Wallpaper Store.