Outrage as Irish Government Considers Weather Tax

A Cloud Shaped Like Ben Affleck, Yesterday.

Anger has reached boiling point throughout Ireland as rumors concerning a controversial 'Weather Tax' continue to circulate. Following recent introductions such as the water rates, property tax and the universal social charge, reports filtering in to the nation's media outlets are suggesting that in the coming months, Taoiseach (that's Irish for Prime Minister) Enda Kenny, is considering adding another tax in the next budget, which would see Irish residents charged for sunshine during the summer months, as well as a host of other deductions depending on one's location and occupation.

Under the new proposals, farmers and fishermen will lose out most, being charged for rain per inch in the summer months, and, in an odd stipulation, for sunshine if they were hoping for rain. We asked Dublin councillor Dessie 'Desmond' Swain, whether, fishermen who also farm, and farmermen who also fisher, would be taxed twice.  'Yeah, they'd be fairly bolli*ed alright'', he replied.


The Heraldy Press also caught up with Benjy 'Benji' Patterson, a part-time county councilor from Sligo, who also has several 'small agricultural holdings' of 2,000 acres each. Patterson won the local by-election in 1971, when his uncle Ben-Joe 'Benjo' Patterson, died after swallowing nine liters of red diesel when siphoning fuel from a neighbor's combine harvester.

'Sure, we won't be taxing the rain. You can have that for free! Imagine that, wha'!? Sure, we'd all be millionaires! Wha'?! Wha'?! Well, we would be, youse wouldn't, yous'd still be f***ed. Hang on, is that microphone on? Will youse turn tha' off, just for a minute? Ah go on. I was only messin' about that', he said, in an incredibly annoying accent, which made one think how in the name of jayziz do these people get elected.

The weather tax is a reminder of the dark days of the mid 1970s in Ireland, when the then-government, in an attempt to modernize Ireland, taxed individuals who didn't own a record by Dana, Dickie Rock or Joe Dolan. When young trailblazer Johnny Logan burst onto the music scene like a young Red Hurley/Jim Morrison in 1980 however, all bets, and taxes, were off.

With high winds expected this weekend, anyone spotted flying a kite will be fined, and the internationally-renowned great igloo village of Enniscorthy will endure an enforced meltdown by torch-wielding government agents. Snowmen must be under eight inches tall, and hailstones will be strictly forbidden, unless a special license is obtained four years in advance.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture by Doreen's Crane-Hire.

Irish Economy Turns Around as 4 New Jobs Created

Some money, with a toy car on it, yesterday.

The Irish economy, for so long a source of considerable derision, scorn, sympathy and menopause, is seemingly on the up, with a total of four new jobs being created in the past eleven weeks.

Of those positions, one, the post of Director General of RTE, Ireland's national broadcasting service, nobody has a hope of obtaining, because some posh lad from Dublin will get it. Another position, that of assistant sewage-drain cleaner with Kilkenny's fourth largest drain-cleaning company, is currently being reviewed, after 912 local people called in to Joe Duffy's Liveline radio show to complain about there being 'an awful smell of shite' from the region's sewage system.

The third job however, is still wide open, and is inviting applicants from all across Ireland, except from Presbyterian communities, caravan sites, or villages where the average school-leaving age is over nine-years-old.

Tony Ringwald (a 9th cousin of the actress, Molly Ringwald, so he claims), a part-time beekeeper in Donegal, is looking for an apprentice, one who is willing to work in his secret underground lair, sorry, his greenhouse, where he is attempting to create an insect community, where bees and wasps live together in harmony. The successful applicant will not be paid, but will be  allowed to pet the wasps, and will get a reasonable discount on any honey produced during working hours. Incidentally, a bee-keeping costume is not provided but is highly recommended. Fitzgibbons' Circus meanwhile, is seeking a part-time fire-eater, as their regular one, Margo the Flowery Oul' Bitch, is on maternity leave.

With Ireland's jobs market suffering from something of a decline in recent times, especially since that whole banking thing that was all over the news a while back, this week's news is a welcome reprieve. We asked Desmond Moran, semi-professional councilor with Dublin City Council and somebody who hopes one day to be; 'Minister of jobs and that', whether Ireland's economy had finally begun to turn the corner. 'Dunno', said Mr. Moran.

In other news, 812 jobs were lost due to the cancellation of political party Fianna Fail and Mullingar beachwear company, Deco's Deck Chairs going out of business due, says Mr. Deco to: 'The bleedin' weather'.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture courtesy of Emily's Fabrics and Plumbing.

US Golfers to Retire After Another Rory Win

Rumors (that's American for 'rumours') are circulating in golfing circles that a number of top US professionals are considering retirement due to the continued dominance in the sport of young Irishman, Rory McIlroy, who won his fourth major title on Sunday last.

A quick survey of the 812 professional golfers who applied to partake in last weekend's PGA Championship, illustrated that just nine are said to have signed up for next year's tour, with a further 309 actively considering retirement. The remainder refused to answer our calls, emails or faxes, and several even called the police due to our relentless knocking on their doors at four in the morning, then running away when someone answered.

We asked one fan, 29-year-old Bubba 'Derek' McKenzie (29), of Florida [formerly Mrs. Violet Higgins (28) of Portugal], who has been a massive golf fan since the early '80s, even going so far as watching the sport on television occasionally, what he thought of Rory as an emerging force in world golf. 'Rory is an emerging force in world golf. Sometimes I do even watch the game on the television, sure, if there's nothin' else on, and the missus does let me have the remote. You know me missus, do you? She's an awful oul' b*tch and does never let me have the remote, or let me watch the oul' golf'.

One of McIlroy's contemporaries meanwhile, a formerly successful golfsmith, who spoke to The Heraldy Press on the condition that we use his fake name, 'Lion Forests', said; 'I dunno dude, he just keeps winnin' stuff. It's not fair, he's not even 'Merican'.

It has been a wonderful couple of years for Irish players on the circuit, with Padraig Harrington, Darren Clarke and Graeme McDowell also clinching titles in the past decade. This is a far cry from the early '70s, when Irish golfers, in a distinct display of jealousy from their American and British counterparts, were not allowed golf clubs, having instead to play with hurley sticks. Indeed, Little Jamesie 'James' Gogan, from the sun-kissed coast of Westmeath, scored three goals and four points at the Ryder Cup in 1971 before being red-carded on the 17th green for the inappropriate use of a flag while celebrating.

With Rory McIlroy still a young man, barely out of his twenty-threens, and 87% of the other players on the professional circuit being close to 70, there's quite a chance that he could have a few years ahead of him on the winners podium, before the seniors tour comes a calling. Or something.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture courtesy of Valerie's Biblical Outfits and Lawnmower Maintenance. 

Report Says Rap is Biggest Pain in Arse Since Garth Gigs

A hip-hop fan, yesterday. 

A survey carried out in all Ireland's 32 counties (they're like American states, but they don't bizarrely have different laws in each one, except Cavan and Wexford, sure it's madness there) has determined what is causing the most frustration and annoyance to Irish people.

According to the survey, hip-hop music is more irritating to the people of Ireland than anything else, beating the recent Garth Brooks concerts-cancellation debacle into second place. These were followed by, in descending levels of annoyance; the introduction by the government of water charges, greedy politicians, women who are supposed to be of ill repute but turn out not to be, accordions with some keys that only work sometimes, balloons that are really hard to tie, England, the old 'putting itching powder on the pub's toilet paper' trick, moths, American reality TV personalities with massive arses and lads who work in finance pretending to be farmers so they can hook up with women from Longford.

The Heraldy Press spoke with Dr. Ivan Buachall-Dana, from the Mayo Institute of Colloquialisms, Proverbs and Snooker, who claimed that hip-hop's development into one of the world's most popular forms of music has pushed it more into the public eye, and ear, than ever before. Said Dr. Buachall-Dana; 'It's like, OMG, whatever, you know, God!' Apologies for that, we played the wrong tape, that was some woman from Sligo talking about her nails.

'Hip-hop? Who doesn't love a nice tune about some b*tch-ass hoe and her p*mp who be all like, yo, where my money at?'  It appeals to all genders, races, sexes and most species. Especially if you like hip-hop. Of course, if you prefer a melody that isn't offensive to women, be they b*tches or hoes, or just regular-ass ladies, then hip-hop is a load of sh*te', said Dr. Buachall-Dana, in a feeble attempt not to generalize or negate the music form entirely.

One of Ireland's leading rappers, An Focal-Ri (translation: The Wordking), meanwhile, when contacted by The Heraldy Press, had this to say on the subject: 'Word'.

Hip-hop as a musical genre and occasional lifestyle has existed in Ireland for several weeks, and has been spearheaded by the likes of Snoop Doggy Dogg, John Johnny Logan and Dana. Using a fast-paced, often angry style of rhyming, the movement has attracted many fans, with even Ireland's President, Michael D. Higgins, being heard to greet a fellow world leader at a UN meeting with the greeting; 'Sup, Homes'. Probably.

With over 112 albums now having been sold by Irish retailers, the genre, whether you find it annoying or not, will be here at least until Christmas, maybe even into the New Year. Ireland's Minister for Culture, Hip-Hop and Interesting Cheeses, who refused to give his name, not because he preferred anonymity, but due to his name being ridiculous (Dermot Table), said of hip-hop, in an offensive, incompetent and grossly moronic manner; 'I'm open to all forms of music, be it Christian Rock, where we joyfully rock our souls in the bosom of Abraham, or indeed, hippety-hoppety, where we twerk our thang, like nothin' yo momma taught ya'. He then said 'Yo', in an attempt to be hip with the kids on the street, but wound up merely looking, and sounding, like probably the uncoolest gobshite on the planet.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture courtesy of Petulia's Antique Chandeliers and Ointment Dispensary. 

Perverts Force Irish Bridges to Close

We'd No Pics of Pervs, So Here's A Clown Instead.

Dublin City Council will be closing a number of bridges in the city center, due to the continued actions of a number of sexually perverted canoeists operating in the region. Since last Tuesday lunchtime, complaints have been made by 187 women and two men, about men in canoes loitering in the rivers underneath the city's bridges, and staring upwards when anyone wearing a dress or skirt passes by overhead.  Said one local woman, whose name was probably something you'd see on the collar of a red setter or something; 'I don't mind perverts, but sexual ones, and in boats?'

According to Councilor William Gibb (no relation to the guys from the Bee Gees he laughingly, yet humorlessly, informed us), 19 bridges in the city, as well as the ambitious overhead pedestrian pass which will eventually link Wexford to east Donegal, are to close for the foreseeable future, at least for the next eight minutes. Councilor Gibb, who even goes to the Council's meetings sometimes when he doesn't have a darts match on, said in a recent interview with The Heraldy Press; 'Ah sure, 'tis desperate, just because of a couple of dirty articles in boats lookin' up the young ones' lovely frocks. We were even going to suggest a trouser-only law for the country's bridges, but sure that wouldn't be fair on the lads who do like lookin' at the young ones in their frocks and don't be doin' anything of a pervertual nature'. He did however, smell his hands several times while making this statement.

The so-called canoist-oglers, or 'canoglers', a reasonably clever name that sadly, The Heraldy Press did not think up, are said to position their vessels underneath the bridges, and when dress or skirt-wearing women or girls walk by, they dart underneath, often with cameras to steal a glimpse of the passing 'scenery'. Since November of 1973, 912 such incidents have been reported to local Gardai (police), resulting in one arrest, though that individual escaped sentencing, and was merely suspended from duty with full pay, and had his rank lowered to Chief Detective Inspector for a week.

One woman, Mrs. Vera Schneidenfraude (82), formerly Dermot Flavin (41) of Nenagh, County Tipperary, had this to say about the scandal; 'What?'.

Fr. Nick 'Nicholas' Jensen, a local boat-lover (he only loves boats from the local area), when asked about the allegations facing the city's canoeists, said; 'They're kayaks, not canoes', and backed off slowly, before running extraordinarily fast, albeit with an unusual limp. The investigation continues. Probably.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Pictures by Dervla's Clown Photos Volume 71.