Enya Song Sees Punk Fired from Band

An Enya, or a Hucknall, yesterday

A musician with a New York-based punk outfit has been fired from the group he was a founding member of, after bandmates discovered some questionable material on his iPod. Len 'Skunk' Mossart, who formed Staten Island-based five-piece act, Gorefox, in 1983, was relieved of his duties as bassist and backing vocalist on Tuesday last, when, at a wedding reception, during the band's break, he left his iPod playing on shuffle in the DJ booth.

It was from here that he had hoped to treat the guests to his personal choice of punk anthems. However, after a number of classic punk tunes by The Sex Pistols, The Clash, The Ramones, GBH and The Exploited, several other tracks surfaced, one of which, 'Orinoco Flow', by Irish new age artist Enya, had punters both embarrassed and livid.

The Heraldy Press spoke to one guest, (Bootboy) Billy Flanagan, a long-time fan of punk music, and a one-time possessor of the tallest mohawk hairstyle in the tri-state area. Said Billy: 'We was just pogoing to the sounds man, it were like 1977 again, me and the boys just havin' a laugh, when out of nowhere, like a seagull soaring down to chew on a rabbit, was that Enya bird, singin' about Orinocoes and what have you. I put down me lager-top and went right up there to give them a piece of my mind, but by the time I got to the iPod, a Mariah Carey song came on, that's when all hell broke loose. Innit'. While Mossart and the rest of Gorefox were outside the wedding venue enjoying a few snakebites on their break, things went from bad to worse, with songs by Nik Kershaw, Belinda Carlisle, Simply Red, Lionel Richie, Val Doonican and Maroon 5 all making an appearance before a shellshocked audience. Father of the bride, Steve 'The Pistol from Bristol' Lyons said; 'F***in' Enya? New Age? If s*** like that is f***in' New c***ing age, then bring me back to the bastard middle ages, bubonic plague an' all. Give's some more Clash, innit'.

The bridegroom, Dessie 'Desmond' Giltrap, a one-time guitarist with another of Staten Island's punk acts, Leatherking said; 'It's disappointing really. We invited Gorefox as my new bride and I had been fans for years. Practically grew up with them we did, so when the boys were on a break, and Len set up his playlist for us, somehow the iPod started playing a shuffled mix, and it was then that we saw how dark his soul was. I mean, singing about political oppression and racial profiling, all while maintaining that all-important punk ethos coinciding with catchy riffs and incredible drumming is one thing, but when it's offset with the thoughts of a member of that band dancing around at home to Bananarama, well, all bets are off, innit'.

As for Mossart, we did try to call him several times, to get his side of the story, but he was unavailable. It was interesting to note however, that the on-hold music for his landline included several songs by Crass, Conflict and Anti-Nowhere League, but also 'Jolene' by Dolly Parton. Gorefox, who had two singles, 'Bastard Sons of the Daughter Electra' and the punk-ballad 'Doreen' skim the lower reaches of the Billboard Top 100 in 1984, are expected to begin interviewing for a new bassist/backing vocalist in the coming weeks.

Joan Burton to Quit Politics For Fitness Career

Hurtin' With Burton' star Joan Burton.

An Irish politician is alleged to be calling her parliamentary career to a halt, in order to promote one of her hobbies instead. Joan Burton (31), one of Ireland's longest-serving deputies, is said to be in the process of relocating from her 19-room penthouse apartment in Edenderry, County Offaly, which overlooks the main street and a field, to move to her workspace/studio in Roscommon, which is probably one of the counties between Dublin and Galway. It is here that the popular young pol, will continue working on her series of exercise videos. So far; 'Jivin' With Joan', 'Jumpin' Over Stuff With Joan', 'Hurtin' With Burton' and 'Applied Yoga for the Metropolitan Male Unsure of his Place in a Society Dominated by Alpha Females and Lads Who Don't Like the Oul' Yoga', have been recorded.

Young Miss Burton has rarely been out of the news recently, due to several high-profile television appearances. In September she starred on the genealogy show 'Who Do You Think You Are?', where it was revealed she was distantly related to 12th century Mongolian leader Genghis Khan (on her uncle-in-law's side), the guy who made all the weird noises in the 'Police Academy' movies, retired German tennis player Boris Becker's girlfriend and one of the puppets from 1980s American kids TV show 'Fraggle Rock'. With the combined personality traits of those individuals, her personal assistant Mugsy 'Derek' McGrath (82), says of Miss Burton: 'Ah sure, 'tis a soft oul' day, thank God'.

'Hurtin' With Burton', by far the most popular of her fitness videos, having sold four copies, with another two out on rental, was just released on videocassette on Tuesday last, with the scheduled release date for the DVD expected to be announced some time in 2024. One can, however, obtain reasonably legal downloads of the footage, which shows Joan and her pals in tracksuits getting up to all kinds of leppin' and jumpin', on DailCraic.com. On this version however, there are weird farm animal noises in the background, most likely carried out by Miss Burton's young cousin Seamie (9), who works part-time as a farm animal impersonator, in between Ministerial positions within the Labour Party. Only those with incredibly expensive phones, what do have lights and funny noises and all, will be able to view this way however.

The unassuming young Miss Burton is allegedly reported to have hinted at a retirement from politics after her recent role on reasonably popular Irish talent show: 'So You Think You Can Juggle With the Celebrities (On Ice)'. That show ended abruptly however, when several thousand protesters burst past the elderly security guard, and Thelma Mansfield, and stole the ice from the rink to melt it down and sell as water on Ireland's black market.

With just 68 paychecks to go until the next General Election, and only a government pension to rely on after that, Miss B is hopeful that her exercise videos sell as well as one of her contemporaries, Jane Fonda's, did, back in the '80s. We asked keep-fit enthusiast and occasional squirrel breeder, Dermot 'Dermott' Hedge (19) from Enniscorthy, County Wexford for his opinion on fitness videos in general; 'Jane Fonda has one out? Jayziz, Cher too? My God, next you'll really make me day and tell me that Morgan Freeman's moved into the game. No? Ah right. Yeah, I'm fairly busy here, push off'.

Story (completely fabricated for satirical reasons) by Bosco Coppell. Picture by Oliver's Bouquets and Snooker Tables.

At The Mike Stand With Henry Cluney

Lucky we're not short of forward-slashes, for if we were, Henry Cluney, the singer/songwriter/survivor/guitarist/punk-rocking Belfast boy could well use them all up such is the variety of talents at the man's disposal. Henry, a founding member of legendary Irish punk act Stiff Little Fingers, is a busy man these days, what with the whole singing/songwriting/surviving/punking (ahem) thing, but he still agreed to answer a few incredibly nosey questions for us 'At The Mike Stand'.

Having played with SLF from the band's humble beginnings in Ulster, through its glory days of the late '70s and early '80s until it's split in 1983, Henry rejoined his reunited bandmates for a number of years, before his departure from the group in 1994. Known for classic tracks such as 'Alternative Ulster', 'Gotta Getaway', 'Suspect Device', 'Barbed Wire Love' and 'Wasted Life', Stiff Little Fingers (Henry, Jake Burns, Jim Reilly and Ali McMordie in its original lineup) were at the forefront of the punk movement in the north of Ireland in the mid to late '70s. We could go on, but, there're questions need answerin'. Henry, welcome to 'At The Mike Stand'.

Full Interview Appears in on the Heraldy Press Facebook Page, Join Now!

What would you like your own tribute act to be called?
The best name I ever heard for a tribute band was a Stiff Little Fingers tribute act, called 'A Tribute to SeLF'.

When's the last time you laughed out loud?
Last night I was watching a show about Scottish football, I'm always laughing out loud watching that!

What act would you like to have seen perform live?
T-Rex, that would have been my be all and end all. I never got a chance to see them live.

What team(s) do you support?
Arsenal!

What period in history would you most like to have visited?
I think somewhere around medieval times.

What song would you most like to have written?
I would say, just for financial reasons alone, something like 'White Christmas' or 'Happy Birthday'!

Who or what, would make you leave a room?
Probably one of those dancing shows, I don't even know what they're called. I just can't swallow it, so if someone wanted to watch that, I'd have to be on my way!

What decade rules (and why)?
The '70s, you know, growing up with all that, the music, the glam and punk stuff, you know?

What cover version do you most enjoy performing?
Probably 'Johnny Was'.

What movie role would you like to have played/play?
I think, Don Corleone, in The Godfather.

Have you ever been told you looked like somebody?
Oh dear, when I was about eighteen, people used to say I looked like Woody from the Bay City Rollers!

What's the first album you remember buying?
This is controversial, but it might have been Gary Glitter's first album! The first one I actually remember buying was T-Rex's 'Ride A White Swan'. Yeah, that's the first one I actually bought, I think the Gary Glitter one was a present!

Who's your favorite Beatle? 
I never really had one, but, because, the only post-Beatles solo album I ever had, was 'Band on the Run', by Wings, I suppose Paul.

What's your favorite Christmas song?
'Oh Holy Night', as sung by Cartman from 'South Park'!

Who's the most rock and roll person who ever lived?
Lemmy. I go see Motorhead whenever they're over here, I mean, the guy's what, sixty-something? He's great.

What artist/song/genre do you secretly enjoy listening to?
I'm so tempted to say Gary Glitter, but I won't! I've always loved the early Beach Boys stuff. I mean it's such great pop music. Most of the Beach Boys throughout their career made such great music, not normally the type of stuff I'd like.

Who would you most like to meet/have met?
For some reason I've always wanted to meet Neil Armstrong; music-wise, probably David Bowie.

What book can you read again and again?
The best book I ever read was 'Diary of a Rock and Roll Star' by Ian Hunter, the singer with Mott The Hoople. I've read that many times, it came out in about 1972. It was such a good book, not just a great rock and roll book.

What's the greatest album ever recorded?
For me, it would be 'The Slider' by T-Rex, or 'Ziggy Stardust', by David Bowie.

What artists would be in your supergroup?
That would be Marc Bolan, John Bonham on drums, probably Johnny Ramone on guitar, then, who'd you put on bass, how about Lemmy?!

What sitcom character can you most identify with?
The one I really like, you know Chandler from 'Friends'? I love the lines he gets, though but just because of the way I am, I'd have to say Homer Simpson!

What movie can you watch over and over again?
'The Wizard of Oz'. Every Christmas it's on, I recently picked up the DVD, I've not watched it, but I could sit through it!

Who's your favorite cartoon character?
You know, I've always been in love with Daphne from 'Scooby Doo', then lately, of course, there's Peter Griffin (from 'Family Guy'), but I have to say Daphne, because she was my first love!

What's the greatest place you've visited?
Tokyo. I just love the people there.

What's mankind's most wonderful invention?
The electric guitar of course.

What's mankind's most irritating invention?
Again, the electric guitar, it can be used for good or evil!

Who's the funniest person who ever lived?
One guy who never fails to make me laugh, is Frankie Boyle. My favorite ever since I was six or seven though, is Eric Morecambe.

Who's your favorite namesake?
Being an Arsenal fan, I'm thinking Thierry Henry! There's not many Henrys, the poor people!

Who's your favorite character from literature?
You know, this is going to sound so la-di-da, but one of my favorites is 'The Merchant of Venice'. I always hated school, but I loved Shakespeare, so I'm going to go with a character from that, Shylock.

Joan Burton to Quit Politics For Fitness Career

'Hurtin' With Burton' star Joan Burton. 

An Irish politician is alleged to be calling her parliamentary career to a halt, in order to promote one of her hobbies instead. Joan Burton (31), one of Ireland's longest-serving deputies, is said to be in the process of relocating from her 19-room penthouse apartment in Edenderry, County Offaly, which overlooks the main street and a field, to move to her workspace/studio in Roscommon, which is probably one of the counties between Dublin and Galway. It is here that the popular young pol, will continue working on her series of exercise videos. So far; 'Jivin' With Joan', 'Jumpin' Over Stuff With Joan', 'Hurtin' With Burton' and 'Applied Yoga for the Metropolitan Male Unsure of his Place in a Society Dominated by Alpha Females and Lads Who Don't Like the Oul' Yoga', have been recorded.

Young Miss Burton has rarely been out of the news recently, due to several high-profile television appearances. In September she starred on the genealogy show 'Who Do You Think You Are?', where it was revealed she was distantly related to 12th century Mongolian leader Genghis Khan (on her uncle-in-law's side), the guy who made all the weird noises in the 'Police Academy' movies, retired German tennis player Boris Becker's girlfriend and one of the puppets from 1980s American kids TV show 'Fraggle Rock'. With the combined personality traits of those individuals, her personal assistant Mugsy 'Derek' McGrath (82), says of Miss Burton: 'Ah sure, 'tis a soft oul' day, thank God'.

'Hurtin' With Burton', by far the most popular of her fitness videos, having sold four copies, with another two out on rental, was just released on videocassette on Tuesday last, with the scheduled release date for the DVD expected to be announced some time in 2024. One can, however, obtain reasonably legal downloads of the footage, which shows Joan and her pals in tracksuits getting up to all kinds of leppin' and jumpin', on DailCraic.com. On this version however, there are weird farm animal noises in the background, most likely carried out by Miss Burton's young cousin Seamie (9), who works part-time as a farm animal impersonator, in between Ministerial positions within the Labour Party. Only those with incredibly expensive phones, what do have lights and funny noises and all, will be able to view this way however.

The unassuming young Miss Burton is allegedly reported to have hinted at a retirement from politics after her recent role on reasonably popular Irish talent show: 'So You Think You Can Juggle With the Celebrities (On Ice)'. That show ended abruptly however, when several thousand protesters burst past the elderly security guard, and Thelma Mansfield, and stole the ice from the rink to melt it down and sell as water on Ireland's black market.

With just 68 paychecks to go until the next General Election, and only a government pension to rely on after that, Miss B is hopeful that her exercise videos sell as well as one of her contemporaries, Jane Fonda's, did, back in the '80s. We asked keep-fit enthusiast and occasional squirrel breeder, Dermot 'Dermott' Hedge (19) from Enniscorthy, County Wexford for his opinion on fitness videos in general; 'Jane Fonda has one out? Jayziz, Cher too? My God, next you'll really make me day and tell me that Morgan Freeman's moved into the game. No? Ah right. Yeah, I'm fairly busy here, push off'.

Story (completely fabricated for satirical reasons) by Bosco Coppell. Picture by Oliver's Bouquets and Snooker Tables. 

At The Mike Stand with Peter Coonan.

Peter Coonan

Before winning the role (and the attention of a nation) of crazed Dublin criminal Fran ('The Man') Cooney in Irish television's dramatic juggernaut, 'Love/Hate', Peter Coonan was just another young Irish artist making his way in the fickle, sensitive and unforgiving world of acting. We caught up with him some time before 'Love/Hate' began its dominance of the Irish airwaves, when he was starring in an independent Irish movie called 'Between the Canals'. Peter, an affable, likeable individual with an obvious sense of humor and an incredible passion for his chosen career, was more than willing to sit down and satisfy our curiosity with the answers to a number of nosy, and indeed, personal questions.

Having made his feature debut back in 2000, in the acclaimed Brendan Gleeson/Brian Cox vehicle, 'Saltwater', Peter's since gone on to earn great reviews for his parts in the Oscar-shortlisted short film 'Shoe', 'What Richard Did' and 'King of the Travelers', as well, of course, as his role as Fran in the acclaimed Irish crime drama series, for which he's become a household name in Ireland.

In 'Between the Canals', an Irish crime drama written and directed by Mark O'Connor, Peter plays Dublin tough guy Dots Fennell, a young lawbreaker eager to enhance his reputation as an up-and-coming gangster. The film also stars Dan Hyland, Stephen Jones and singer/songwriter Damien Dempsey in his first acting role.

Peter, welcome to 'At The Mike Stand'.

By Mike Fitzpatrick

When's the last time you laughed out loud?
Just Saturday gone, when they were counting votes (in the Irish general election) and I saw so many politicians fall on their arses!

What act would you like to have seen perform live?
I'd probably say, The Stones in the early '70s.

What team(s) do you support?
I support Liverpool, Dublin and Ireland. My brother and I got into it way back when we were kids, and sure, you have to stick with your team!

What period in history would you most like to have visited?
Probably the 1920s, in New York, when the place was flooded with Irish.

What song would you most like to have written?
'A Day In The Life'.

Who or what, would make you leave a room?
Manchester United scoring against Liverpool!

What decade rules (and why)?
I'd like to visit the 1950s, to have seen what it was like when my dad was young.

What movie role would you like to have played?
Marlon Brando's part in 'On The Waterfront'.

Have you ever been told you looked like somebody?
Yeah, yer man Sean Astin, from 'Lord of the Rings'!

What's the first album you remember buying?
Paul Simon's 'Graceland', the tape of the album!

Who's your favorite Beatle?
George.

What's your favorite Christmas song?
'Fairytale of New York'.

Who's the most rock and roll person who ever lived?
Oliver Reed or Richard Harris.

What artist/song/genre do you secretly enjoy listening to?
Probably a band called The High Kings, it's Finbar Furey's son's group. They sing a few songs, they're pretty dodgy on one or two, but they're good on a few others!

Who would you most like to meet/have met?
The guy who played Fredo in 'The Godfather', John Cazale.

What book can you read again and again?
Probably 'Waiting for Godot', I know it's not really a book, is that a cop-out?!

What's the greatest album ever recorded?
Probably 'Revolver'. One of my favorite Beatles albums. Always go back to it when I don't know what to listen to.

What artists would be in your supergroup?
Let's see, I'd have either John Bonham, Keith Moon or Ginger Baker on drums, hmm, probably have to go with Bonham, then Rory Gallagher on lead guitar and Paul McCartney on bass.

What sitcom character can you most identify with?
I was going to say Smithy from 'Gavin & Stacey', but is that on over there?

What movie can you watch over and over again?
'The Big Liebowski'.

Who's your favorite cartoon character?
Daffy, no, Donald Duck!

What's the greatest place you've visited?
Vietnam.

What's mankind's most wonderful invention?
The teabag.

What's mankind's most irritating invention?
The iPhone.

Who's the funniest person who ever lived?
John Belushi.

Who's your favorite namesake?
Peter the Great! No, make that Peter O'Toole.

Who's your favorite character from literature?
Probably Leopold Bloom.

Report Finds Irish Girls Among Worst Dancers in World

A recently published study, carried out by Princeton University's Department of Hairdressing in conjunction with Donegal College for Nuclear Physics, has determined that of 249 nationalities surveyed, Irish women are among the worst dancers in the world. The study, which took 712 hours (the playing time of all 143 'Now That's What I Call Music' albums) to complete, saw professors from the two institutions travel across the globe, where they studied women dancing on the sun-kissed beaches of Rio, in the heaving nightclubs of Ibiza, in the lounges of Las Vegas and in a dirty oul' field on a damp morning in County Leitrim.

Professor Irving 'Jim' Irvstein, a leading psychological engineer and part-time colorist at Mandy's Hair Creations, led the investigation, and said of its findings: 'Dancing is a form of celebration, a way of expressing one's inner delight and excitement at a particularly memorable moment of joy. We see a direct correlation between witnessing thousands of bronzed beauties in bikinis celebrate football's World Cup on the beaches in Brazil, to watching a mad oul' one slow-dance with an injured calf on a freezing morning in Athlone. Though admittedly, I sent my assistant, Clive, to watch that one. He said it was a little disturbing, and fairly shite'.

Professor Irvstein, speaking from his cell in Dublin's Mountjoy Prison, where he's being held for impersonating a university professor, and ogling dancing women in a disturbing manner, spoke of the various experiments his team carried out to ensure fairness across the board. While in Milan at an after-party during Fashion Week, his staff observed the models dancing to some of Europe's most well-known DJs, and then in Clondalkin, County Dublin, he went to an over-40s event on a Tuesday afternoon to Cassie Blanca's Nite Klub, where he asked the resident spinmaster to play 'Don't You Want Me' the 1982 hit by The Human League, over and over again.

'Watching 14 oul' ones dancing around little white handbags, and indeed, the occasional plastic supermarket carrier bag, one with the groceries still inside, wasn't quite up to par with observing Monaco's royalty strutting their majestic stuff at a function celebrating their brilliantness, but sure, it's all a bit of craic', said the Professor's assistant Clive, as he continually smelled his hands.

Among the other regions ranked in the dancing stakes, were: Colombia, where the study-team took in a private event at pop singer Shakira's residence, Ukraine as the World ice-skating championships was going on and Tullamore, County Offaly, during calving season.

Speaking of Ireland's relatively low ranking in the dancing charts (the nation came 247th out of 249 countries, only Ceylon, which doesn't technically exist anymore, and North Korea, which the lads weren't allowed into, ranked lower), Bernie Cobb, the 11-time runner-up in County Westmeath's bi-annual disco dancing tournament, said; 'Ah that's me hole'.

Story by Bosco Coppell, pictures by Denise's Carry-On Luggage and Removable Wallpaper Store. 

Irishman Paired With North Korean Leader for Dancing With Stars

A famous dictaphone, yesterday. 

A young dancer from Ireland has failed to mask his disappointment, having been paired with a rather surprising entrant for the next series of 'Dancing With The Stars'. Dessie 'Desmond' Hennessy (61), from north Mayo, hence the unusual spelling of his name (though spelled 'Dessie', it's actually pronounced 'Steve'), has battled for almost three years through a series of auditions to get to the televised rounds of the enormously popular TV series, where a dancer gets to perform with someone reasonably famous.

Speaking with The Heraldy Press, Mr. Mulgrew (he'd changed his name by the time we started this paragraph) said; 'When I saw the possibilities for this season's show, I was excited to say the least, I mean, I could've wound up dancing with Alanis Morrisette, Tom Selleck, one of the lads that did the voices for popular '80s kids show 'Fraggle Rock', or the tall man from the 'Police Academy' films. To end up with that b****cks, Kim Jong-Un, probably my least favorite of all the recent dictators, is a bitter disappointment to say the least'.

In what has proved to be one of the most unpopular decisions that the show's producers have come up with in recent years, this season's episodes are to feature political figures from around the world paired with members of the dancing public. Already, one contestant, Harry 'Harry' Svenson from Connecticut has withdrawn from the show, as he disagreed with his partner, Iceland's Minister for Agriculture Jim O'Dwyer's controversial views on goat-herding, while another episode featured a cat-fight between Lorraine Pearson, a cosmetologist from Wisconsin, and her partner Jimmy 'Jim' Pederson, Oslo's deputy lady-mayor, when one said the other had a massive arse.

The North Korean leader meanwhile, not particularly well-known for his dance moves, nor indeed renowned for his friendliness or interest in dancing-themed reality shows from the western hemisphere, has insisted that his scenes be filmed either inside his home in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, or in a field behind his uncle Maurice's pub in County Clare. We tried to contact Mr. Jong-Un's office for an official statement with regards to the incident, but there was no way we'd spend nearly four dollars for an international call just to speak to him, sure look at the state of him.

'Dancing with the Stars - Season 96' is to begin filming tomorrow morning, with the special DVD featuring outtakes and bloopers, including one hilarious scene where a fella can clearly be witnessed reading Shania Twain's autobiography, and another which shows two lads from Wexford drunkenly dancing to no music 'for the craic', and to be released in a few years. Probably.

Irish Guy Paired with North Korean Leader for Dancing With Stars

A Dictaphone, yesterday.

A young dancer from Ireland has failed to mask his disappointment, having been paired with a rather surprising entrant for the next series of 'Dancing With The Stars'. Dessie 'Desmond' Hennessy (61), from north Mayo, hence the unusual spelling of his name (though spelled 'Dessie', it's actually pronounced 'Steve'), has battled for almost three years through a series of auditions to get to the televised rounds of the enormously popular TV series, where a dancer gets to perform with someone reasonably famous.

Speaking with The Heraldy Press, Mr. Mulgrew (he'd changed his name by the time we started this paragraph) said; 'When I saw the possibilities for this season's show, I was excited to say the least, I mean, I could've wound up dancing with Alanis Morrisette, Tom Selleck, one of the lads that did the voices for popular '80s kids show 'Fraggle Rock', or the tall man from the 'Police Academy' films. To end up with that b****cks, Kim Jong-Un, probably my least favorite of all the recent dictators, is a bitter disappointment to say the least'.

In what has proved to be one of the most unpopular decisions that the show's producers have come up with in recent years, this season's episodes are to feature political figures from around the world paired with members of the dancing public. Already, one contestant, Harry 'Harry' Svenson from Connecticut has withdrawn from the show, as he disagreed with his partner, Iceland's Minister for Agriculture Jim O'Dwyer's controversial views on goat-herding, while another episode featured a cat-fight between Lorraine Pearson, a cosmetologist from Wisconsin, and her partner Jimmy 'Jim' Pederson, Oslo's deputy lady-mayor, when one said the other had a massive arse.

The North Korean leader meanwhile, not particularly well-known for his dance moves, nor indeed renowned for his friendliness or interest in dancing-themed reality shows from the western hemisphere, has insisted that his scenes be filmed either inside his home in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, or in a field behind his uncle Maurice's pub in County Clare. We tried to contact Mr. Jong-Un's office for an official statement with regards to the incident, but there was no way we'd spend nearly four dollars for an international call just to speak to him, sure look at the state of him.

'Dancing with the Stars - Season 96' is to begin filming tomorrow morning, with the special DVD featuring outtakes and bloopers, including one hilarious scene where a fella can clearly be witnessed reading Shania Twain's autobiography, and another which shows two lads from Wexford drunkenly dancing to no music 'for the craic', and will be released in a few years. Probably.

Words by Bosco Coppell. Picture courtesy of Nancy's Oyster Farm.

A dictaphone from North Korea, yesterday

Irish Lad Fails 'Expendables 4' Audition

Hugh Grant, Bill Cosby and the lads.

A young Irish actor has returned home from Hollywood (the Californian city, not the take-away in Wexford Town) disappointed, after failing to land a role in the upcoming 'Expendables 4' movie. Dinny 'Dinnie' Longshanks (61) from Tullamore, County Offaly, was on America's west coast for four grueling hours of auditions, where he hoped to land a role in the film alongside legendary movie tough guys such as Arnold Schwarzeneggar, Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham and Bill Cosby.

Said Dinny: 'I made it down to the last 168 auditionees for the role of 'lad who does walk up to Wesley Snipes's character and gives him a high five, only to be shot in the shoulder by some other lad'. It was not to be however, and his thick Mullingar accent (he just moved to Offaly in 1982), prevented him from winning a role in the film, with producers deciding instead, on an elderly woman from Longford for the role.

Having been involved in the acting business since his late teens, Dinny was quite well-known in parts of his home town, due to his (uncredited) role in a Flahavans Oats television commercial back in 1973, and since then was twice in the audience at 'Live at 3', a daily TV show aimed towards elderly residents of Ireland in the 1980s, though he failed to get on camera on either occasion. Since then, his acting career has consisted mostly of his 'adult' mime act, working in gentlemen's clubs throughout the length and breadth of Ireland's midlands (and Carlow) region.

Having decided to bypass Irish drama productions ('A load of oul' sh*te'), Dinny, or Dinnie, as he prefers, has ventured towards the big time, and once he landed on American soil, set out to meet his heroes, though he admits to having been 'fierce disappointed' to find that Robert Mitchum, Steve McQueen and John Wayne had all passed away. He did however, get his picture taken with a Renee Zellweger impersonator, and bought all the Sigourney Weaver key-rings that one shop stocked.

Of his recent experiences, Dinny, an occasional movie-goer, who claims to have seen over twenty films in his lifetime, is said to have been emotional when seeing one of his action heroes in the flesh for the first time. 'I was just walking down Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills looking for somewhere to have a slash, when who did I see, but the lad who played Willis, on 'Diff'rent Strokes', I think it was him, he was a fair bit away, and in a car, but he looked fairly like him, and sure, it's a good story to tell the grandkids, or someone else's grandkids, because I've none meself'.

'The Expendables' franchise, which has featured most of Hollywoods action-hero stars, such as Morgan Freeman, Hugh Grant, Nathan Lane and Chevy Chase, is a  comedic remake of the dark 1970s Scandinavian epic 'Not I, Says The Raven', which starred a young Burt Reynolds as a rodeo rider who earned a degree in Nuclear Science and went on to wow the world of high finance.

When we asked what roles he was to audition for next, he said in a desperate, albeit miserable attempt at humor; 'I'd love an oul' ham and cheese roll now!' He then added, completely unnecessarily, and in doing so, hammering his lame joke to death; 'But not tuna, I developed a rash on my elbows last time I had that, on me lunch break in the Tesco car-park in Ballymun.'

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture by Dorothy's Angling and Shooting Store (Lingerie Department)

Taoiseach Loses Phone Asks All BFFs To Text Numbers

Enda Kenny, Ireland's only Taoiseach (Prime Minister), is reported to have lost his cellphone, and is urging all his BFFs (Best Friends Forever) to text him their numbers, so he can go on with BAU (Business As Usual). Mr. Kenny, leader of the Fine Gael party for ages now, is thought to have mislaid his phone 'at a mate's gaff' over the weekend.

Jimmy 'James' Donovan, said to be close to the Irish leader (he lives just seven towns over from Mr. Kenny), is reported to have seen Ireland's Secret Service, 'The Quiet Men' (Buachallai Ciunas in Gaelic), look behind Mr. Kenny's couch, under that big Mayo Camogie Under-14 Runners-Up '73 rug he has in the living room, and even behind the dartboard bearing the likeness of an old political foe's arse in the bathroom, all to no avail.

When one of the Quiet Men approached a stack of envelopes containing greeting cards from the Irish Water Board to search for the phone there, he was told by a member of Mr. Kenny's entourage to 'Feck off out of that and leave them oul' envelopes alone, sure there's nothin' for the likes of you in there, you pup'.

The phone, a flip-up pay-as-you-go Nokia model, was given to the Taoiseach, along with a 9-Euro voucher for Dunnes Stores by an aunt for his birthday in 1996. It is believed to contain the numbers of several important people, as well as several Irish politicians' details, and is distinguishable from other similar phones, due to its 'Mayo Are Magic, Roscommon Are Tragic' sticker on the battery cover.

Other members of Ireland's parliament are said to have called the phone, in a bid to listen out for its unusual ringtone, which is a song-for-song playlist of Lionel Richie's entire back catalog. Meanwhile, representatives of Ireland's opposition parties, are said to have taken advantage of Mr. Kenny's not being able to access caller ID, and resorted to calling his messaging service, leaving rude messages. Some of which have used words and terms such as; bum, willy, pipe-licker, dirty oul' Mayo gobshite and bizarrely, Satan's wig-sampler.

Though the phone is said to be financially worthless (3Euro according to 'Dermo's Elderly Phone Emporium' in Sligo, which definitely didn't receive the phone last Tuesday morning from an individual from Aberdeen named Steve), sentimentally, it's priceless, as it contains photos of Mr. Kenny with members of Sweden's Olympic swimming team, and a text from popular Irish singer, Red Hurley.
Anybody who finds the phone, is asked to mail it to Mr. Enda Kenny c/o Anywhere But Roscommon, Ireland.

Story (completely fabricated) By Bosco Coppell, Picture courtesy of Desdemona's Fireplaces and Garters.

Dublin Priest Aims to be Ireland's First Pope

A recently-promoted clergyman from County Dublin has gone public with his ambitions, declaring that within the next 45 years, he will be crowned Pope.

Father Diarmuid Fitzgibbon-Lopez, a 17-year veteran with the order of Jesuit Brothers in Lucan, made the claim last Thursday to a group of onlookers jeering him about the George Michael t-shirt he was wearing on his way to mass.

According to Jimmy 'James' Burke, who was (allegedly) selling marijuana outside the town's parochial center on the day in question, the popular priest is said to have shouted; 'Will yiz ever get a life yeh pack of useless b***ockses. Come see me in forty years, when I'll be calling the shots in the Vatican'.

Another witness, Dessie 'Desmond' Higgins, who asked that we not use his name, and who hails from 'one of the new estates behind the chippers near Tesco', said of the alleged incident; ''This carry-on is nothing new to us, sure last November, Sister Frances-Mary and Sister Xavier-Rose were throwing stones at us from the roof of the convent, with one of them, I'm not sure which, calling us a gang of Presbyterian arseholes'.

Father Diarmuid, well-known throughout the holy lands of Clondalkin, Lucan and Blanchardstown due to his role as accordionist with the all-priest band, 'The Gorgeous Avengers of Saint Francis', and as a coach of the Lucan under-7s hurling team, is no stranger to controversy.

In 1977, before entering the priesthood, he and his uncle Edmund, a one-time runner-up of the All-Ireland Altar Boys Championships, were handed suspended prison sentences for attempting to hijack floats on the village's St. Patrick's Day Parade. Evading the local Gardai for almost twenty minutes, the master-criminals were apprehended by then-legendary Superintendent Dan Sweeney (now Ban Garda Esther Dominguez), who said; 'The priesthood saved him, if it weren't for his calling, he'd still be acting the gobshite round the village today'.

He was twice suspended from duty in the 1980s, once for vomiting ('mostly accidentally') near Bishop Stevie Casey of Sligo, and another time, for being caught on tape saying that the Bible was; 'Brilliant, apart from all that Noah's Ark stuff, sure that's a load of oul' shite'.

Having risen in the ranks to Assistant Parish Priest in West Dublin, which means he'll now be able to leave mass before communion, the ambitious Father Diarmuid has made no secret of his career hopes. With two of his uncles having been parish priests in the '60s, his grandfather having shared a cell with the infamous Cardinal Basil Grimes in the late '40s, and his own father retiring from the priesthood while still a teenager, history, ambition and a love for holy things, could well see this Irishman reach the Vatican before the end of the century.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Pictures by Samantha's Cufflinks and Cupcakes Emporium. 

Mammy, Mr. Men and a Sickness That Never Was

It all built up towards 1.45pm. By that key time, just one thing could transform a magnificent afternoon into a delightful day. The tummy-ache, if it did indeed exist at all, had long since faded into memory, joining the stuffed nose, hoarse throat and sore back on the junkyard of fabricated childhood ailments. The day would have begun with sniffing or coughing, at least loud enough to be heard, for if they weren't heard, then what was the point?

This led to a little groaning, grumbling, moaning and mumbling, followed by some at-first skeptical comments and looks from a concerned mammy, then yells of disbelief and cries of treachery from incredulous siblings. How come he gets to stay home? The storm would pass though, the Dad was long gone to work, hours before the rest of the house awoke, and the brother and sisters all trundled off to school, looking over their shoulders not in sympathy at my supposed ailments, but with one of those 'We know what you're at' looks. Leaving me at home, with Mammy, the packed lunch she'd already prepared for me, and one would hope, at 1.45pm, 'Mr. Men' on BBC1.

It was a time before the Internet, Smartphones and Google. If you wanted something you had to move more than your thumb and palm to find it, obtain it, achieve it or give it a nasty review because your calamari was soggy and the waiter forgot your soup. The newspaper didn't appear in the house until the Dad arrived home much, much later, so until then, it was a lengthy, nerve-wracking wait until 1.45pm. Would it be 'Mr. Men'? Perhaps, because if it were, then life, or at least that particular sick-day, would be complete. Just me, Mammy and the 'Mr. Men'. Who needed a hammock on a sandy beach, with a cocktail in hand? Not me, because I was six.

At 1,30pm, nerves would reach reasonably worrying levels. So concerning, that perhaps a fake doctor might be needed, my morning-time illnesses had long since passed, but the worry connected with what was about to appear on our television screen was, well, doin' me head in. Who knew what the BBC Director of Programming had in store for us? He could go for 'Mr. Men', and be a perfect human being. He could also decide upon 'Jamie and his Magic Torch', 'King Rollo', 'Mr. Benn' or 'Bod', all acceptable substitutes, but lacking the big game experience of the wonderful antics of Messrs Bump, Tickle, Strong, Sneeze and the guys. But what if there was no children's show at all? Maybe there'd be a news bulletin, that'd happened before, my friend Liam had told me about it, what was, without a doubt, the worst day of his young life.

At 1.44pm, I'd sit alone in the living room, enjoying the lunch that really I should be having in the playground with my schoolpals, instead snacking while mammy would have her umpteenth (that's not a real number, but I used to think that it was) cup of Lyons Tea, as she listened to Gay Byrne and did the ironing. Our ironing, the clothes of which she'd later often say; 'What's the point of me ironing that if you're just going to wear it?'. We'd hear the magic words from the BBC announcer, speaking from Shepherd's Bush in London, but right in front of me all the same. 'And now for our younger viewers, here's 'Mr. Men'. Arthur Lowe's voice would come creeping through the airwaves, and for the next fifteen minutes, life was perfect. Me, Mr. Men and Mammy. School could wait.

Crap Irish Bands Complain About U2 Giveaway

Some U2-type lads, a few years ago.

As The Heraldy Press was going to print, or at least, online, a week ago last Tuesday morning, nine bands, most of them fairly useless, had complained about U2 hogging all the headlines with their free album giveaway to anybody with an iPhone, iPad, iPod or iHairdryer. The Irish act's latest album; 'Songs of Innocence', was given free earlier this month to the approximately 2.5billion owners of products beginning with a small 'i' (excluding but not exclusive to: ingrowing toenail removers, imitation mustache growers, illiteracy-conquering manuals etc).

A spokesperson for 'Irish Artists Occasionally Opposed to Bono and The Lads', Fernando O'Hagan, from Ballyjamesduff, County Cavan, who asked to remain anonymous, said; 'Ah jayziz, sure that's desperate carry-on'. The band's 13th studio album is the first with which they've chosen to go such a route, though a spokesperson for the band claimed that they'd inquired with iTunes back in 1979 for a similar such venture, but it took 24 years for some bloke to think up the idea for the company, then another few minutes to get around to answering the phone to the lads.

Jason Flavin, part-time trombonist and exotic dancer with Leitrim's ninth biggest-selling jazz/funk outfit, The Hounds of Desire, claimed that it was a clever move by U2, but not an original one; 'They're a fine band, and I said ten years ago that they were destined to be big, but this idea is not new. We gave away copies of our first album, 'Sensual Adventures in Eastern Offaly' to most of the local petrol stations and garden centers in the midlands and parts of Donegal back in the late '60s'. When asked whether this was a successful venture, Jason said; 'Nah, most of them were f***ed in the bin and the band split up'.

U2, a four-piece rock act from Dublin, though often claimed by Cork-folk to hail from Bantry, Clonakilty or Mallow (an early song, 'Stranger in a Strange Land' was misread by a former Cork lady mayor as 'Langer in a Strange Land', hence the confusion) are not expected to comment upon the issue, due mainly to the fact that most of the artists who have voiced their concern over the issue, being, as one fan, Seamus De Vasquez-Burke, from Edenderry, said; 'A bag of oul' shite'.

The band's move has also been criticized by other individuals, in particular, those guys you see in Starbucks with no coffee, because they've just finished their Vendi Half-Frap Pumpkin Lightly Foamed Fully Skimmed Soy Latte, writing their screenplays on one of their eleven Apple devices. We asked one such individual for his opinion, but we didn't really know what he was on about so we pretended a pebble from a passing cement truck had gotten lodged in our ear and we ran off crying.

Words By Bosco Coppell, Picture by Harriet's Street Lighting and Crumpets. 

Gays Allowed in NYC Parade But Brits Banned

A Flag Waved Fabulously by Some Gays

Gays are to be allowed march under their own banner at New York City's Saint Patrick's Day Parade for the first time, following a landmark agreement between the parade's organizers, officials from the city's Gay Pride movement and the Woodlawn branch of The Pet Shop Boys fan club.

Before now, members of various Irish-themed gay and lesbian groups had to march underneath other organizations' banners, which caused much embarrassment to all concerned, especially when the gays had to march underneath the Brooklyn Plumbers Union banner, or worse, alongside the Roscommon Ladies Gaelic Footballers.

The agreement however, does come with a price, and that is, while gays will be allowed march, British people, or indeed, individuals who look, sound, smell or act British, will not. That means that Geordies, Scousers, Mancs, Cockneys, Mackems, Brummies and folk from the more glamorous regions of Doncaster, Rochdale and Scunthorpe, will be forced to either to hide their accent and pretend to be gay, or just wait for the St Finbarr's Parade in 2031 instead. Finbarr, a semi-skilled carpenter from Mayo, is scheduled to become the patron saint of The Bronx, but as we were going to press, he was still alive.

The anti-British sentiment is thought to have originated several weeks ago when Irish members of the clergy in New York realized that an English lad invented Protestantism and Presbyterianism, while another discovered the Spice Girls.

The parade, which is the world's second most attended, after the one in Beijing (it's a city in the Asia/Africa region), has been in existence since 1977, the time of disco, and the year that the first gay Irish man is reported to have arrived on Manhattan's lower east side. That man, Bernie Hodges, has since left New York and relocated to the more gay-friendly east coast of Donegal, after a successful career as an accordionist with a Frankie Goes to Hollywood tribute band.

The Heraldy Press spoke with one of the parade's chief organizers, south Wexford native, Hector Dominguez (19), who claimed that it was an important step in homoerotic relations between Irish men and women, and their gay counterparts. Said Hector; 'To be sure, aye, 'tis a time of craic and sure if anyone knows anything about havin' an oul' bit of craic, sure it's the gays. I don't personally know any, and I'm definitely not a gay, I love women me, and I never had Ricky Martin stickers on my gym locker neither, so there's no point even checking. No seriously, don't check'.

Gays are now the fifth-fastest growing sub-section of New York life, just behind cupcake stores, Mexicans, those annoying people who jog on the spot at traffic intersections in Manhattan, and people who bum smokes off you even though they don't smoke normally. Meanwhile, news of this historic event has reached all corners of the globe (even though the globe is round), with The Heraldy Press receiving congratulatory emails from gay organizations from Sligo, Wicklow, Leitrim (both east and southeast) and Kuala Lumpur. Even though we're not gay ourselves. No seriously, we're not, sure we used to watch Baywatch and everything.

Words by Bosco Coppell. Picture courtesy of Earrings and Trinkets by Deborah. 

Outrage as Irish Government Considers Weather Tax

A Cloud Shaped Like Ben Affleck, Yesterday.

Anger has reached boiling point throughout Ireland as rumors concerning a controversial 'Weather Tax' continue to circulate. Following recent introductions such as the water rates, property tax and the universal social charge, reports filtering in to the nation's media outlets are suggesting that in the coming months, Taoiseach (that's Irish for Prime Minister) Enda Kenny, is considering adding another tax in the next budget, which would see Irish residents charged for sunshine during the summer months, as well as a host of other deductions depending on one's location and occupation.

Under the new proposals, farmers and fishermen will lose out most, being charged for rain per inch in the summer months, and, in an odd stipulation, for sunshine if they were hoping for rain. We asked Dublin councillor Dessie 'Desmond' Swain, whether, fishermen who also farm, and farmermen who also fisher, would be taxed twice.  'Yeah, they'd be fairly bolli*ed alright'', he replied.


The Heraldy Press also caught up with Benjy 'Benji' Patterson, a part-time county councilor from Sligo, who also has several 'small agricultural holdings' of 2,000 acres each. Patterson won the local by-election in 1971, when his uncle Ben-Joe 'Benjo' Patterson, died after swallowing nine liters of red diesel when siphoning fuel from a neighbor's combine harvester.

'Sure, we won't be taxing the rain. You can have that for free! Imagine that, wha'!? Sure, we'd all be millionaires! Wha'?! Wha'?! Well, we would be, youse wouldn't, yous'd still be f***ed. Hang on, is that microphone on? Will youse turn tha' off, just for a minute? Ah go on. I was only messin' about that', he said, in an incredibly annoying accent, which made one think how in the name of jayziz do these people get elected.

The weather tax is a reminder of the dark days of the mid 1970s in Ireland, when the then-government, in an attempt to modernize Ireland, taxed individuals who didn't own a record by Dana, Dickie Rock or Joe Dolan. When young trailblazer Johnny Logan burst onto the music scene like a young Red Hurley/Jim Morrison in 1980 however, all bets, and taxes, were off.

With high winds expected this weekend, anyone spotted flying a kite will be fined, and the internationally-renowned great igloo village of Enniscorthy will endure an enforced meltdown by torch-wielding government agents. Snowmen must be under eight inches tall, and hailstones will be strictly forbidden, unless a special license is obtained four years in advance.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture by Doreen's Crane-Hire.

Irish Economy Turns Around as 4 New Jobs Created

Some money, with a toy car on it, yesterday.

The Irish economy, for so long a source of considerable derision, scorn, sympathy and menopause, is seemingly on the up, with a total of four new jobs being created in the past eleven weeks.

Of those positions, one, the post of Director General of RTE, Ireland's national broadcasting service, nobody has a hope of obtaining, because some posh lad from Dublin will get it. Another position, that of assistant sewage-drain cleaner with Kilkenny's fourth largest drain-cleaning company, is currently being reviewed, after 912 local people called in to Joe Duffy's Liveline radio show to complain about there being 'an awful smell of shite' from the region's sewage system.

The third job however, is still wide open, and is inviting applicants from all across Ireland, except from Presbyterian communities, caravan sites, or villages where the average school-leaving age is over nine-years-old.

Tony Ringwald (a 9th cousin of the actress, Molly Ringwald, so he claims), a part-time beekeeper in Donegal, is looking for an apprentice, one who is willing to work in his secret underground lair, sorry, his greenhouse, where he is attempting to create an insect community, where bees and wasps live together in harmony. The successful applicant will not be paid, but will be  allowed to pet the wasps, and will get a reasonable discount on any honey produced during working hours. Incidentally, a bee-keeping costume is not provided but is highly recommended. Fitzgibbons' Circus meanwhile, is seeking a part-time fire-eater, as their regular one, Margo the Flowery Oul' Bitch, is on maternity leave.

With Ireland's jobs market suffering from something of a decline in recent times, especially since that whole banking thing that was all over the news a while back, this week's news is a welcome reprieve. We asked Desmond Moran, semi-professional councilor with Dublin City Council and somebody who hopes one day to be; 'Minister of jobs and that', whether Ireland's economy had finally begun to turn the corner. 'Dunno', said Mr. Moran.

In other news, 812 jobs were lost due to the cancellation of political party Fianna Fail and Mullingar beachwear company, Deco's Deck Chairs going out of business due, says Mr. Deco to: 'The bleedin' weather'.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture courtesy of Emily's Fabrics and Plumbing.

US Golfers to Retire After Another Rory Win

Rumors (that's American for 'rumours') are circulating in golfing circles that a number of top US professionals are considering retirement due to the continued dominance in the sport of young Irishman, Rory McIlroy, who won his fourth major title on Sunday last.

A quick survey of the 812 professional golfers who applied to partake in last weekend's PGA Championship, illustrated that just nine are said to have signed up for next year's tour, with a further 309 actively considering retirement. The remainder refused to answer our calls, emails or faxes, and several even called the police due to our relentless knocking on their doors at four in the morning, then running away when someone answered.

We asked one fan, 29-year-old Bubba 'Derek' McKenzie (29), of Florida [formerly Mrs. Violet Higgins (28) of Portugal], who has been a massive golf fan since the early '80s, even going so far as watching the sport on television occasionally, what he thought of Rory as an emerging force in world golf. 'Rory is an emerging force in world golf. Sometimes I do even watch the game on the television, sure, if there's nothin' else on, and the missus does let me have the remote. You know me missus, do you? She's an awful oul' b*tch and does never let me have the remote, or let me watch the oul' golf'.

One of McIlroy's contemporaries meanwhile, a formerly successful golfsmith, who spoke to The Heraldy Press on the condition that we use his fake name, 'Lion Forests', said; 'I dunno dude, he just keeps winnin' stuff. It's not fair, he's not even 'Merican'.

It has been a wonderful couple of years for Irish players on the circuit, with Padraig Harrington, Darren Clarke and Graeme McDowell also clinching titles in the past decade. This is a far cry from the early '70s, when Irish golfers, in a distinct display of jealousy from their American and British counterparts, were not allowed golf clubs, having instead to play with hurley sticks. Indeed, Little Jamesie 'James' Gogan, from the sun-kissed coast of Westmeath, scored three goals and four points at the Ryder Cup in 1971 before being red-carded on the 17th green for the inappropriate use of a flag while celebrating.

With Rory McIlroy still a young man, barely out of his twenty-threens, and 87% of the other players on the professional circuit being close to 70, there's quite a chance that he could have a few years ahead of him on the winners podium, before the seniors tour comes a calling. Or something.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture courtesy of Valerie's Biblical Outfits and Lawnmower Maintenance. 

Report Says Rap is Biggest Pain in Arse Since Garth Gigs

A hip-hop fan, yesterday. 

A survey carried out in all Ireland's 32 counties (they're like American states, but they don't bizarrely have different laws in each one, except Cavan and Wexford, sure it's madness there) has determined what is causing the most frustration and annoyance to Irish people.

According to the survey, hip-hop music is more irritating to the people of Ireland than anything else, beating the recent Garth Brooks concerts-cancellation debacle into second place. These were followed by, in descending levels of annoyance; the introduction by the government of water charges, greedy politicians, women who are supposed to be of ill repute but turn out not to be, accordions with some keys that only work sometimes, balloons that are really hard to tie, England, the old 'putting itching powder on the pub's toilet paper' trick, moths, American reality TV personalities with massive arses and lads who work in finance pretending to be farmers so they can hook up with women from Longford.

The Heraldy Press spoke with Dr. Ivan Buachall-Dana, from the Mayo Institute of Colloquialisms, Proverbs and Snooker, who claimed that hip-hop's development into one of the world's most popular forms of music has pushed it more into the public eye, and ear, than ever before. Said Dr. Buachall-Dana; 'It's like, OMG, whatever, you know, God!' Apologies for that, we played the wrong tape, that was some woman from Sligo talking about her nails.

'Hip-hop? Who doesn't love a nice tune about some b*tch-ass hoe and her p*mp who be all like, yo, where my money at?'  It appeals to all genders, races, sexes and most species. Especially if you like hip-hop. Of course, if you prefer a melody that isn't offensive to women, be they b*tches or hoes, or just regular-ass ladies, then hip-hop is a load of sh*te', said Dr. Buachall-Dana, in a feeble attempt not to generalize or negate the music form entirely.

One of Ireland's leading rappers, An Focal-Ri (translation: The Wordking), meanwhile, when contacted by The Heraldy Press, had this to say on the subject: 'Word'.

Hip-hop as a musical genre and occasional lifestyle has existed in Ireland for several weeks, and has been spearheaded by the likes of Snoop Doggy Dogg, John Johnny Logan and Dana. Using a fast-paced, often angry style of rhyming, the movement has attracted many fans, with even Ireland's President, Michael D. Higgins, being heard to greet a fellow world leader at a UN meeting with the greeting; 'Sup, Homes'. Probably.

With over 112 albums now having been sold by Irish retailers, the genre, whether you find it annoying or not, will be here at least until Christmas, maybe even into the New Year. Ireland's Minister for Culture, Hip-Hop and Interesting Cheeses, who refused to give his name, not because he preferred anonymity, but due to his name being ridiculous (Dermot Table), said of hip-hop, in an offensive, incompetent and grossly moronic manner; 'I'm open to all forms of music, be it Christian Rock, where we joyfully rock our souls in the bosom of Abraham, or indeed, hippety-hoppety, where we twerk our thang, like nothin' yo momma taught ya'. He then said 'Yo', in an attempt to be hip with the kids on the street, but wound up merely looking, and sounding, like probably the uncoolest gobshite on the planet.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture courtesy of Petulia's Antique Chandeliers and Ointment Dispensary. 

Perverts Force Irish Bridges to Close

We'd No Pics of Pervs, So Here's A Clown Instead.

Dublin City Council will be closing a number of bridges in the city center, due to the continued actions of a number of sexually perverted canoeists operating in the region. Since last Tuesday lunchtime, complaints have been made by 187 women and two men, about men in canoes loitering in the rivers underneath the city's bridges, and staring upwards when anyone wearing a dress or skirt passes by overhead.  Said one local woman, whose name was probably something you'd see on the collar of a red setter or something; 'I don't mind perverts, but sexual ones, and in boats?'

According to Councilor William Gibb (no relation to the guys from the Bee Gees he laughingly, yet humorlessly, informed us), 19 bridges in the city, as well as the ambitious overhead pedestrian pass which will eventually link Wexford to east Donegal, are to close for the foreseeable future, at least for the next eight minutes. Councilor Gibb, who even goes to the Council's meetings sometimes when he doesn't have a darts match on, said in a recent interview with The Heraldy Press; 'Ah sure, 'tis desperate, just because of a couple of dirty articles in boats lookin' up the young ones' lovely frocks. We were even going to suggest a trouser-only law for the country's bridges, but sure that wouldn't be fair on the lads who do like lookin' at the young ones in their frocks and don't be doin' anything of a pervertual nature'. He did however, smell his hands several times while making this statement.

The so-called canoist-oglers, or 'canoglers', a reasonably clever name that sadly, The Heraldy Press did not think up, are said to position their vessels underneath the bridges, and when dress or skirt-wearing women or girls walk by, they dart underneath, often with cameras to steal a glimpse of the passing 'scenery'. Since November of 1973, 912 such incidents have been reported to local Gardai (police), resulting in one arrest, though that individual escaped sentencing, and was merely suspended from duty with full pay, and had his rank lowered to Chief Detective Inspector for a week.

One woman, Mrs. Vera Schneidenfraude (82), formerly Dermot Flavin (41) of Nenagh, County Tipperary, had this to say about the scandal; 'What?'.

Fr. Nick 'Nicholas' Jensen, a local boat-lover (he only loves boats from the local area), when asked about the allegations facing the city's canoeists, said; 'They're kayaks, not canoes', and backed off slowly, before running extraordinarily fast, albeit with an unusual limp. The investigation continues. Probably.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Pictures by Dervla's Clown Photos Volume 71.

More Posh Irish Chicks in NYC Than Dublin

Dublin, where the posh chicks moved from. 

According to the results of a recent survey, carried out jointly by a number of Irish and American institutions, there are more 'posh' Irish women in New York than there are in Dublin. The study, compiled by Harvard Business School, Yale's Political Science Department and East Limerick's College of Plumbing and Drainage Maintenance, found that there are currently an estimated 862 Dublin-born women 'of affluence and influence' between the ages of 18-45 living, either permanently or temporarily, in New York's five boroughs (There are only nine currently living in Dublin).

Of those, 853 live in Manhattan, 8 live in (the same apartment) in Brooklyn, and one, Yvonne Clifton-Somerville, originally from Ballsbridge, Dublin 4, who asked not to be named, lives in The Bronx, but only, she tells us, because her father is a part-owner of Woodlawn.

With emigration the norm in Ireland, New York City has witnessed thousands of Irish people, and in particular, upwardly mobile young women from Dublin's more affluent suburbs, arrive on its shores. This has brought to New York a new generation of skills, talents, designer handbags and their oul' fellahs credit cards, not to mention fabulous hair and extraordinarily shiny teeth.

We caught up with one young woman, Tara 'Bernie' Simpkins-Doyle, who moved to Manhattan from Dublin, in March of this year. We asked her why she was making a face like a semi-conscious baboon into her phone. 'It's my selfie pout, darling. It's for the girls at home, to make them well-jel, and wish they were here spending, rather than there, em, not spending'.

While Manhattan's reputation as a shopping mecca is certainly advantageous to a young Irish lady with money and time to spend, it has its drawbacks too. Said Jess 'Jessica' Hamilton, a one-time runner-up in the Young Beautiful Daughters of Southwest Dublin and The Nicer Parts of North Wicklow Beauty Pageant; 'I mean ya, it like totally, OMG, is, like, whatever, but, at home I worked for my dad's engineering firm, I co-managed like, 812 people, and only had to work,  six hours a week, here I'm expected to touch dirty plates, that someone actually like, ate from, for, like, three days a week?! I mean, come on, I thought like, the olden days were like, in the past or whatever'.

Not everyone however, is enamored with this influx of well-to-do young Dublin ladies in New York City. When we asked Mary Cotter, a 52-year-old Donegal woman working as a waitress in Queens, whether she found them annoying, she said; 'Aye'.

With a new program of 90-Day visas currently being offered to Irish people from the south Dublin area with fabulous hair and interesting accents, there will be more young ladies who shop and the young men who seldom call them back after spending a fortune on drink then not even gettin' an oul' feel off them, arriving in Manhattan in the coming weeks. Watch this space. Darlings.

Words by Bosco Coppell. Picture courtesy of the estate of Warren 'Whacker' Heffington-Smythe.

Hipster Plans Boycott of All Non Craft Beer Bars

Coffee and an 'ironic' hipster musical instrument.

A self-proclaimed 'hipster' has announced that he and his two friends will be boycotting every drinking establishment which stocks anything other than craft beers in the coming weeks. Davie 'Nicholas' Dwyer, originally from Sligo but now based in Brooklyn, claims that bars and restaurants that stock the likes of Heineken, Bud and Guinness were merely; 'Capitalist buzzkillers out to harsh the mellow vibe of the downtrodden cool daddies'. The Heraldy Press had no interpreter on hand, so we didn't know what he meant, but we think it may have been something about ice pops, drainage systems or Chile's attacking formation in the recent World Cup.

Dwyer, who relocated from Sligo, northwest Ireland, after realizing nobody in his hometown had an Arcade Fire ('You've probably never heard of them', he added) album he could borrow, arrived in Williamsburg, County Brooklyn, in 2013, where he swiftly became immersed in the so-called 'hipster' lifestyle. Buying a Jack Kerouac ('You've probably never heard of him' he again added) book to have sticking out of his back pocket to impress the 'hipstettes' and having his dad buy him an antique Fender Stratocaster guitar that he could strum outside the Starbucks on north 9th street, a year later, the by-now semi-bearded Dwyer claims to have noticed a disturbing trend in local bars. Most of them sold alcohol products that people outside his inner circle of two pals had heard of.

Said Dwyer, as he bummed a cigarette from a nearby homeless man, before putting it in his pocket ('For later'); 'If a distillery or like, pints factory or whatever, employ like, I don't know, um, hundreds of people to make their government-approved product, then what's the point, the chemicals man, it's killing the industry, this isn't how great warriors of literature and music are made. Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy,  or the dudes from, um, Boards of Canada, you'll not have heard of them, didn't develop their genius drinking Budweiser, they did it with Tommy Ferret's Blueberry Stout or Pineapple Froth from The Greenpoint Brewhouse'. Incidentally, when talking, he misspelled 'Dostoyevsky', we had to correct him..

From September 2nd onwards, Dwyer and his pals, notable local bongo-player Arthur 'Philip' Sweeney and Clifford 'Jimmy' McMonagle, will begin their picketing outside the bars of Brooklyn to support the idea of more craft beer bars. They'd have started on the 1st, but a nearby tavern has $2 mugs of Budweiser and free wings all night. They'll not be protesting on Thursdays either, most likely because Heineken have promotions in the neighborhood, where if you buy three $11 bottles you get a free keyring.

Leaving his 2,400 square foot condo in Williamsburg bright and early each afternoon with his hand-painted placard, the seemingly unkempt Dwyer, so stressed he even forgot to remove the Banana Republic tags from his tweed jacket, said; 'You'll thank me man, with more craft beers in the hood, there'll be more choice, and with more choice comes better jobs, so I'll not have to keep buying my friends drinks, my dad's not made of money, you know'.

With 817 craft beer bars springing up in Brooklyn alone last week, and fourteen bookstores which only serve $9 decaf herbal non-foam lattes (not books though) and a thrift store where locals pretend to buy their clothes, things are looking up for the hipster community in Brooklyn. The pack of bastards.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture by Dorothy's Antique Bridal Gowns. 

Ireland's 33rd County Found by Divers

Ireland as it looks from a hot-air balloon or a very tall ladder.

Ireland's archaeologists, divers, historians and scientists are in a state of excitement, following the discovery last week of a major land mass several hundred meters below the water's surface off the coast of County Wexford. Upon first inspection, locals felt that it was merely an extraordinarily large sand bar, but upon further investigation, it appears that the find could well be the long-lost city of 'Atlondis', or Ireland's unofficial 33rd county, which is believed to have sank without trace hundreds of years ago.

The discovery was made when Cavan man Peter Chestnut had a scuba-diving unit called to the area, after dropping his wallet overboard when out fishing. The Heraldy Press asked Mr. Chestnut how it felt to be at the root of what could well be one of the most incredible archaeological finds of all time: 'I couldn't give a shite about that, I just want me wallet back. There's 23 Euro and the phone number of a young one from Tipperary who's father owns a pub in the zip pocket, I'm just hoping that I closed the zip, sometimes I do forget and me coins do fall out. I lost me comb too. Incidentally, I meant that the phone number was in the zip pocket, not the pub. Archaeologists? More like ask me bollixes if you ask me', he replied, with a surprising level of wit for a Cavan man who'd just lost his wallet.

'Atlondis', according to local legend, was a large town on the outskirts of County Wexford, ruled by the handsome Prince Fiachra and his personal assistant, Clive for almost a week, after the death of Fiachra's father, the High King Dermot. When the English invaded the area in 1647, at around lunchtime on Saint Valentine's Day, destroying most of the region's vineyards and playing havoc with the good Prince's antique shoehorn collection, the local residents revolted. Subsequently, under Fiachra and Clive's instructions, the town's citizens began hammering and digging ditches along the border of Atlondis and Wexford, eventually cutting a line the entire length of the town's westernmost border, and in effect, setting it free from Ireland. It then sailed for several feet, before sinking without trace, until, it seems, last week.

Fortunately however, the local residents, exhausted from all their digging activities, are rumored to have taken a rest when the job was done, and could only watch as 'Atlondis', with Fiachra and Clive still 'on board' sailed off and capsized.

Ever since, there have been many expeditions, well, two, to determine the exact location of 'Atlondis', or indeed, whether the region even stood at all. Now however, with the discovery of such a substantial land mass at the exact location that it was to have once been located, there could finally be proof that this once luscious land, with its sprawling vegetation, thriving economy and sluttish women, sorry, adventurous citizens, did indeed exist. A nation, as if it were in possession of a suitcase full of elderly milk, holds its breath. Probably.

Words by Bosco Coppell. Picture by Dorothy's Antique Toys from Olden Days and Live Bait.

Cork Man Admits Dublin Is Ireland's Capital

Side by side on their sideboard, oh lord, why can't we?

An elderly man from Cork has, for the first time in his life, acknowledged Dublin as the real capital city of Ireland. To the disgust of his neighbors, family, friends, former cellmates and at least one mistress, Seanie 'Dave' O'Driscoll (87) last week said that the people of his beloved Cork should move on with the times and accept Dublin, for so long Cork's bitter rival in the 'We're The Best Place in Ireland' game, as the nation's capital. A game County Leitrim was never, incidentally, invited to partake in.

Seanie, a sprightly pensioner with, according to his former friends, the mind of a 20-year-old, and the table manners of a baboon, is fiercely proud of his Cork heritage, and has, over the years, had twenty-three mostly Cork-related tattoos inked on to his skin, though one of them, a map of Limerick covering the entire left side of his face, was done as a joke by drunken friends on the night before his wedding to his ninth wife, Barbara. Sadly, nobody has since told Seanie that crayon tattoos such as that one, wash off rather easily.

Micilin Beag 'Jim' O'Conaire, a long-time friend of Seanie from 1941 until 1976, then again in the mid '80s, and twice more after the millenium, when questioned by The Heraldy Press on Seanie's decision to push the idea of Dublin as the nation's number one city, said; 'He what?' When we explained the circumstances to him, he continued; 'The dirty langer'.

Dublin and Cork have enjoyed a healthy rivalry for many decades, be it in Gaelic Games (Barney Rock vs Jimmy Barry Murphy), literature (Brendan Behan vs Sean O'Faolain), stout (Guinness vs Murphys) and music (U2 vs The Cork and Surrounding Counties Tin Whistle All-Stars), with neither county either gaining, or giving, an inch.

The last time someone from either city paid a compliment to the other, was in 1973, when Phil 'Howya' Humphreys, of Finglas, north Dublin, said that the Cork hurling team of the previous season; 'Weren't as shite as their footballers'. The same year, a woman from Bantry, County Cork, purchased a  tape by The Cranberries, thinking they were from Dublin, but returned it when she realized Sinead O'Connor wasn't in that band.

Seanie maintains that he will continue to; 'Love Cork as my wife, though not my first wife, she was an oul' hag, but treat Dublin like the prodigal son returning from the wars. As long as he hasn't turned into some sort of langer on his travels'.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture by Daisy's Chainsaws and Ribbons. 

Marching Season's All About The Hats Says Top Unionist

A bowler hat, pictured without Orangeman underneath.

Hughie 'Hugh' Monaghan, a high-ranking member of the Lovelier Unionists Movement, has claimed that despite developing a reputation of bullying, beatings and bigotry over the years, the real reason Orangemen continue with their marches throughout Ireland is down to another 'B-word', bowler hats.

Mr. Monaghan, a Lieutenant Cardinal with the organization, a splinter group which developed following a split within the ranks of the Unionists Against Green Things Like Apples and Fenians, itself an offshoot of the Anti-Brady Bunch-The Movie Unionists, says that if it weren't for the hats and the lovely shiny sashes, he'd not be an Orangeman at all.

We called to Mr. Monaghan's home, a gorgeous split-level treehouse in a field on the outskirts of Ulster, where, through a window (he didn't want our dirty Free State footprints all over his rugs) we witnessed his mammy, Colin, ironing his sash and slow-dancing with a papier mache model of the reasonably late Rev. Ian Paisley, while humming the popular Orangeman's ballad, 'Burn In Green Hell You Dirty Shamrock  Bastards', a minor hit in 1975 for The Loyal Nephews of Darling King Billy.

When asked whether he still believed in the Unionist ideals that made Orangemen tick, Mr. Monaghan dressed in orange socks and a pirate's hat, said; 'What?' We repeated the question, but he still didn't hear us as some lad beside him was banging a drum and saying mean things about people who didn't have bowler hats. His reply, we think, was; 'Unionism as an ideal, is alive and well throughout Ulster. We also have nicer hats, and shinier sashes than other such organizations, and our marching is very orderly and pretty, with our clenched fists and perfectly-formed knees moving together at a rhythm most ballerinas would marvel at'. He either said that, or 'All Taigs are bastards'. It was hard to tell with all the beating of drums, blowing of fifes, and the standing outside in the lashing rain while not even being offered a cup of tea.

So far this year, there have been eleven July 12th parades celebrating something that Unionist lads are really into, with just 819 incidents of violence being reported, including the savage beating of one bowler hat, a man arrested for the inappropriate fondling of an Orange sash and another individual taken in for questioning for having a cousin who once said something nice Glasgow Celtic.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture provided by Daisy's Return of the Jedi Memorabilia Store.

Man To Be Deported for Not Liking 'Mrs Brown's Boys'.

A telly, which 'Mrs. Brown's Boys' was probably on.

A 47-year-old hedge fund manager faces being deported from Ireland, due, he claims, to the fact that he doesn't enjoy the popular television show, 'Mrs. Brown's Boys'. Pablo Dominguez-Burke (he'd an 'aunt' from Bolivia) from Finglas, north Dublin (so he claims), says that it was an off-the-cuff remark in an elevator at work that subsequently set off a chain of events, which led to a letter from the Irish immigration services, requesting that he call to their offices for an urgent meeting regarding his Irish citizenship, or as Pablo worded it; 'About gettin' f***ed out of the country again'.

Speaking with The Heraldy Press just now, seriously, it was just before you got to this sentence that we hung up the phone, Pablo said; 'I was in the lift at work, when one of the cleaners, said to his colleague, and, I can't do the accent, but sure, yiz'll be writin' this anyway, so you won't be able to tell the accent so it doesn't matter, but he said; "Ah Jayziz, did yeh see 'Mrs. Brown's Boys' last night? Wasn't it brilliant the way she was carryin' on and doing things that were really funny?' I then merely tutted and rolled my eyes, though that was in relation to the lift's doors not closing quickly enough, not a reflection on the cleaner's choice in wonderful Irish comedy".

A former cat-burglar with 112 previous convictions, the Dublin native mended his ways to go on to study chartered accountancy at 'some college down in the countryside' (his words), before developing his interest in international banking and the funding of hedges. He has denied not being a lover of the show and not having a sense of humor, claiming that he was a massive comedy fan, enjoying legends of fun like British '80s stars Little and Large and Cannon and Ball, 'all the funny ads off the telly', and especially 'them redneck lads what do say funny things about lawnmowers and having long hair at the back'.

'Mrs. Brown's Boys', a comedy created in 1970 and shown twice on the hour on all 83 Irish channels ever since, was recently reported to have a global audience of 109 billion, and is particularly popular with people who don't like other stuff, and lads in jail for doing mad things.

Sean Driscoll, a representative for the Irish Immigration Services, when asked by The Heraldy Press about the allegations regarding Mr. Dominguez-Burke's status in the country said; 'What?' When we repeated the question, he replied; 'Ah here, would you stop'.

Incidentally, Pablo's attempts at taking off the 'working class' accent of the lad in the elevator was atrocious.

Words (and numbers) by Bosco Coppell, Picture courtesy of Wacker Grogan's Bridal Bouquets.