Enya Song Sees Punk Fired from Band

An Enya, or a Hucknall, yesterday

A musician with a New York-based punk outfit has been fired from the group he was a founding member of, after bandmates discovered some questionable material on his iPod. Len 'Skunk' Mossart, who formed Staten Island-based five-piece act, Gorefox, in 1983, was relieved of his duties as bassist and backing vocalist on Tuesday last, when, at a wedding reception, during the band's break, he left his iPod playing on shuffle in the DJ booth.

It was from here that he had hoped to treat the guests to his personal choice of punk anthems. However, after a number of classic punk tunes by The Sex Pistols, The Clash, The Ramones, GBH and The Exploited, several other tracks surfaced, one of which, 'Orinoco Flow', by Irish new age artist Enya, had punters both embarrassed and livid.

The Heraldy Press spoke to one guest, (Bootboy) Billy Flanagan, a long-time fan of punk music, and a one-time possessor of the tallest mohawk hairstyle in the tri-state area. Said Billy: 'We was just pogoing to the sounds man, it were like 1977 again, me and the boys just havin' a laugh, when out of nowhere, like a seagull soaring down to chew on a rabbit, was that Enya bird, singin' about Orinocoes and what have you. I put down me lager-top and went right up there to give them a piece of my mind, but by the time I got to the iPod, a Mariah Carey song came on, that's when all hell broke loose. Innit'. While Mossart and the rest of Gorefox were outside the wedding venue enjoying a few snakebites on their break, things went from bad to worse, with songs by Nik Kershaw, Belinda Carlisle, Simply Red, Lionel Richie, Val Doonican and Maroon 5 all making an appearance before a shellshocked audience. Father of the bride, Steve 'The Pistol from Bristol' Lyons said; 'F***in' Enya? New Age? If s*** like that is f***in' New c***ing age, then bring me back to the bastard middle ages, bubonic plague an' all. Give's some more Clash, innit'.

The bridegroom, Dessie 'Desmond' Giltrap, a one-time guitarist with another of Staten Island's punk acts, Leatherking said; 'It's disappointing really. We invited Gorefox as my new bride and I had been fans for years. Practically grew up with them we did, so when the boys were on a break, and Len set up his playlist for us, somehow the iPod started playing a shuffled mix, and it was then that we saw how dark his soul was. I mean, singing about political oppression and racial profiling, all while maintaining that all-important punk ethos coinciding with catchy riffs and incredible drumming is one thing, but when it's offset with the thoughts of a member of that band dancing around at home to Bananarama, well, all bets are off, innit'.

As for Mossart, we did try to call him several times, to get his side of the story, but he was unavailable. It was interesting to note however, that the on-hold music for his landline included several songs by Crass, Conflict and Anti-Nowhere League, but also 'Jolene' by Dolly Parton. Gorefox, who had two singles, 'Bastard Sons of the Daughter Electra' and the punk-ballad 'Doreen' skim the lower reaches of the Billboard Top 100 in 1984, are expected to begin interviewing for a new bassist/backing vocalist in the coming weeks.

Joan Burton to Quit Politics For Fitness Career

Hurtin' With Burton' star Joan Burton.

An Irish politician is alleged to be calling her parliamentary career to a halt, in order to promote one of her hobbies instead. Joan Burton (31), one of Ireland's longest-serving deputies, is said to be in the process of relocating from her 19-room penthouse apartment in Edenderry, County Offaly, which overlooks the main street and a field, to move to her workspace/studio in Roscommon, which is probably one of the counties between Dublin and Galway. It is here that the popular young pol, will continue working on her series of exercise videos. So far; 'Jivin' With Joan', 'Jumpin' Over Stuff With Joan', 'Hurtin' With Burton' and 'Applied Yoga for the Metropolitan Male Unsure of his Place in a Society Dominated by Alpha Females and Lads Who Don't Like the Oul' Yoga', have been recorded.

Young Miss Burton has rarely been out of the news recently, due to several high-profile television appearances. In September she starred on the genealogy show 'Who Do You Think You Are?', where it was revealed she was distantly related to 12th century Mongolian leader Genghis Khan (on her uncle-in-law's side), the guy who made all the weird noises in the 'Police Academy' movies, retired German tennis player Boris Becker's girlfriend and one of the puppets from 1980s American kids TV show 'Fraggle Rock'. With the combined personality traits of those individuals, her personal assistant Mugsy 'Derek' McGrath (82), says of Miss Burton: 'Ah sure, 'tis a soft oul' day, thank God'.

'Hurtin' With Burton', by far the most popular of her fitness videos, having sold four copies, with another two out on rental, was just released on videocassette on Tuesday last, with the scheduled release date for the DVD expected to be announced some time in 2024. One can, however, obtain reasonably legal downloads of the footage, which shows Joan and her pals in tracksuits getting up to all kinds of leppin' and jumpin', on DailCraic.com. On this version however, there are weird farm animal noises in the background, most likely carried out by Miss Burton's young cousin Seamie (9), who works part-time as a farm animal impersonator, in between Ministerial positions within the Labour Party. Only those with incredibly expensive phones, what do have lights and funny noises and all, will be able to view this way however.

The unassuming young Miss Burton is allegedly reported to have hinted at a retirement from politics after her recent role on reasonably popular Irish talent show: 'So You Think You Can Juggle With the Celebrities (On Ice)'. That show ended abruptly however, when several thousand protesters burst past the elderly security guard, and Thelma Mansfield, and stole the ice from the rink to melt it down and sell as water on Ireland's black market.

With just 68 paychecks to go until the next General Election, and only a government pension to rely on after that, Miss B is hopeful that her exercise videos sell as well as one of her contemporaries, Jane Fonda's, did, back in the '80s. We asked keep-fit enthusiast and occasional squirrel breeder, Dermot 'Dermott' Hedge (19) from Enniscorthy, County Wexford for his opinion on fitness videos in general; 'Jane Fonda has one out? Jayziz, Cher too? My God, next you'll really make me day and tell me that Morgan Freeman's moved into the game. No? Ah right. Yeah, I'm fairly busy here, push off'.

Story (completely fabricated for satirical reasons) by Bosco Coppell. Picture by Oliver's Bouquets and Snooker Tables.

At The Mike Stand With Henry Cluney

Lucky we're not short of forward-slashes, for if we were, Henry Cluney, the singer/songwriter/survivor/guitarist/punk-rocking Belfast boy could well use them all up such is the variety of talents at the man's disposal. Henry, a founding member of legendary Irish punk act Stiff Little Fingers, is a busy man these days, what with the whole singing/songwriting/surviving/punking (ahem) thing, but he still agreed to answer a few incredibly nosey questions for us 'At The Mike Stand'.

Having played with SLF from the band's humble beginnings in Ulster, through its glory days of the late '70s and early '80s until it's split in 1983, Henry rejoined his reunited bandmates for a number of years, before his departure from the group in 1994. Known for classic tracks such as 'Alternative Ulster', 'Gotta Getaway', 'Suspect Device', 'Barbed Wire Love' and 'Wasted Life', Stiff Little Fingers (Henry, Jake Burns, Jim Reilly and Ali McMordie in its original lineup) were at the forefront of the punk movement in the north of Ireland in the mid to late '70s. We could go on, but, there're questions need answerin'. Henry, welcome to 'At The Mike Stand'.

Full Interview Appears in on the Heraldy Press Facebook Page, Join Now!

What would you like your own tribute act to be called?
The best name I ever heard for a tribute band was a Stiff Little Fingers tribute act, called 'A Tribute to SeLF'.

When's the last time you laughed out loud?
Last night I was watching a show about Scottish football, I'm always laughing out loud watching that!

What act would you like to have seen perform live?
T-Rex, that would have been my be all and end all. I never got a chance to see them live.

What team(s) do you support?
Arsenal!

What period in history would you most like to have visited?
I think somewhere around medieval times.

What song would you most like to have written?
I would say, just for financial reasons alone, something like 'White Christmas' or 'Happy Birthday'!

Who or what, would make you leave a room?
Probably one of those dancing shows, I don't even know what they're called. I just can't swallow it, so if someone wanted to watch that, I'd have to be on my way!

What decade rules (and why)?
The '70s, you know, growing up with all that, the music, the glam and punk stuff, you know?

What cover version do you most enjoy performing?
Probably 'Johnny Was'.

What movie role would you like to have played/play?
I think, Don Corleone, in The Godfather.

Have you ever been told you looked like somebody?
Oh dear, when I was about eighteen, people used to say I looked like Woody from the Bay City Rollers!

What's the first album you remember buying?
This is controversial, but it might have been Gary Glitter's first album! The first one I actually remember buying was T-Rex's 'Ride A White Swan'. Yeah, that's the first one I actually bought, I think the Gary Glitter one was a present!

Who's your favorite Beatle? 
I never really had one, but, because, the only post-Beatles solo album I ever had, was 'Band on the Run', by Wings, I suppose Paul.

What's your favorite Christmas song?
'Oh Holy Night', as sung by Cartman from 'South Park'!

Who's the most rock and roll person who ever lived?
Lemmy. I go see Motorhead whenever they're over here, I mean, the guy's what, sixty-something? He's great.

What artist/song/genre do you secretly enjoy listening to?
I'm so tempted to say Gary Glitter, but I won't! I've always loved the early Beach Boys stuff. I mean it's such great pop music. Most of the Beach Boys throughout their career made such great music, not normally the type of stuff I'd like.

Who would you most like to meet/have met?
For some reason I've always wanted to meet Neil Armstrong; music-wise, probably David Bowie.

What book can you read again and again?
The best book I ever read was 'Diary of a Rock and Roll Star' by Ian Hunter, the singer with Mott The Hoople. I've read that many times, it came out in about 1972. It was such a good book, not just a great rock and roll book.

What's the greatest album ever recorded?
For me, it would be 'The Slider' by T-Rex, or 'Ziggy Stardust', by David Bowie.

What artists would be in your supergroup?
That would be Marc Bolan, John Bonham on drums, probably Johnny Ramone on guitar, then, who'd you put on bass, how about Lemmy?!

What sitcom character can you most identify with?
The one I really like, you know Chandler from 'Friends'? I love the lines he gets, though but just because of the way I am, I'd have to say Homer Simpson!

What movie can you watch over and over again?
'The Wizard of Oz'. Every Christmas it's on, I recently picked up the DVD, I've not watched it, but I could sit through it!

Who's your favorite cartoon character?
You know, I've always been in love with Daphne from 'Scooby Doo', then lately, of course, there's Peter Griffin (from 'Family Guy'), but I have to say Daphne, because she was my first love!

What's the greatest place you've visited?
Tokyo. I just love the people there.

What's mankind's most wonderful invention?
The electric guitar of course.

What's mankind's most irritating invention?
Again, the electric guitar, it can be used for good or evil!

Who's the funniest person who ever lived?
One guy who never fails to make me laugh, is Frankie Boyle. My favorite ever since I was six or seven though, is Eric Morecambe.

Who's your favorite namesake?
Being an Arsenal fan, I'm thinking Thierry Henry! There's not many Henrys, the poor people!

Who's your favorite character from literature?
You know, this is going to sound so la-di-da, but one of my favorites is 'The Merchant of Venice'. I always hated school, but I loved Shakespeare, so I'm going to go with a character from that, Shylock.

Joan Burton to Quit Politics For Fitness Career

'Hurtin' With Burton' star Joan Burton. 

An Irish politician is alleged to be calling her parliamentary career to a halt, in order to promote one of her hobbies instead. Joan Burton (31), one of Ireland's longest-serving deputies, is said to be in the process of relocating from her 19-room penthouse apartment in Edenderry, County Offaly, which overlooks the main street and a field, to move to her workspace/studio in Roscommon, which is probably one of the counties between Dublin and Galway. It is here that the popular young pol, will continue working on her series of exercise videos. So far; 'Jivin' With Joan', 'Jumpin' Over Stuff With Joan', 'Hurtin' With Burton' and 'Applied Yoga for the Metropolitan Male Unsure of his Place in a Society Dominated by Alpha Females and Lads Who Don't Like the Oul' Yoga', have been recorded.

Young Miss Burton has rarely been out of the news recently, due to several high-profile television appearances. In September she starred on the genealogy show 'Who Do You Think You Are?', where it was revealed she was distantly related to 12th century Mongolian leader Genghis Khan (on her uncle-in-law's side), the guy who made all the weird noises in the 'Police Academy' movies, retired German tennis player Boris Becker's girlfriend and one of the puppets from 1980s American kids TV show 'Fraggle Rock'. With the combined personality traits of those individuals, her personal assistant Mugsy 'Derek' McGrath (82), says of Miss Burton: 'Ah sure, 'tis a soft oul' day, thank God'.

'Hurtin' With Burton', by far the most popular of her fitness videos, having sold four copies, with another two out on rental, was just released on videocassette on Tuesday last, with the scheduled release date for the DVD expected to be announced some time in 2024. One can, however, obtain reasonably legal downloads of the footage, which shows Joan and her pals in tracksuits getting up to all kinds of leppin' and jumpin', on DailCraic.com. On this version however, there are weird farm animal noises in the background, most likely carried out by Miss Burton's young cousin Seamie (9), who works part-time as a farm animal impersonator, in between Ministerial positions within the Labour Party. Only those with incredibly expensive phones, what do have lights and funny noises and all, will be able to view this way however.

The unassuming young Miss Burton is allegedly reported to have hinted at a retirement from politics after her recent role on reasonably popular Irish talent show: 'So You Think You Can Juggle With the Celebrities (On Ice)'. That show ended abruptly however, when several thousand protesters burst past the elderly security guard, and Thelma Mansfield, and stole the ice from the rink to melt it down and sell as water on Ireland's black market.

With just 68 paychecks to go until the next General Election, and only a government pension to rely on after that, Miss B is hopeful that her exercise videos sell as well as one of her contemporaries, Jane Fonda's, did, back in the '80s. We asked keep-fit enthusiast and occasional squirrel breeder, Dermot 'Dermott' Hedge (19) from Enniscorthy, County Wexford for his opinion on fitness videos in general; 'Jane Fonda has one out? Jayziz, Cher too? My God, next you'll really make me day and tell me that Morgan Freeman's moved into the game. No? Ah right. Yeah, I'm fairly busy here, push off'.

Story (completely fabricated for satirical reasons) by Bosco Coppell. Picture by Oliver's Bouquets and Snooker Tables. 

At The Mike Stand with Peter Coonan.

Peter Coonan

Before winning the role (and the attention of a nation) of crazed Dublin criminal Fran ('The Man') Cooney in Irish television's dramatic juggernaut, 'Love/Hate', Peter Coonan was just another young Irish artist making his way in the fickle, sensitive and unforgiving world of acting. We caught up with him some time before 'Love/Hate' began its dominance of the Irish airwaves, when he was starring in an independent Irish movie called 'Between the Canals'. Peter, an affable, likeable individual with an obvious sense of humor and an incredible passion for his chosen career, was more than willing to sit down and satisfy our curiosity with the answers to a number of nosy, and indeed, personal questions.

Having made his feature debut back in 2000, in the acclaimed Brendan Gleeson/Brian Cox vehicle, 'Saltwater', Peter's since gone on to earn great reviews for his parts in the Oscar-shortlisted short film 'Shoe', 'What Richard Did' and 'King of the Travelers', as well, of course, as his role as Fran in the acclaimed Irish crime drama series, for which he's become a household name in Ireland.

In 'Between the Canals', an Irish crime drama written and directed by Mark O'Connor, Peter plays Dublin tough guy Dots Fennell, a young lawbreaker eager to enhance his reputation as an up-and-coming gangster. The film also stars Dan Hyland, Stephen Jones and singer/songwriter Damien Dempsey in his first acting role.

Peter, welcome to 'At The Mike Stand'.

By Mike Fitzpatrick

When's the last time you laughed out loud?
Just Saturday gone, when they were counting votes (in the Irish general election) and I saw so many politicians fall on their arses!

What act would you like to have seen perform live?
I'd probably say, The Stones in the early '70s.

What team(s) do you support?
I support Liverpool, Dublin and Ireland. My brother and I got into it way back when we were kids, and sure, you have to stick with your team!

What period in history would you most like to have visited?
Probably the 1920s, in New York, when the place was flooded with Irish.

What song would you most like to have written?
'A Day In The Life'.

Who or what, would make you leave a room?
Manchester United scoring against Liverpool!

What decade rules (and why)?
I'd like to visit the 1950s, to have seen what it was like when my dad was young.

What movie role would you like to have played?
Marlon Brando's part in 'On The Waterfront'.

Have you ever been told you looked like somebody?
Yeah, yer man Sean Astin, from 'Lord of the Rings'!

What's the first album you remember buying?
Paul Simon's 'Graceland', the tape of the album!

Who's your favorite Beatle?
George.

What's your favorite Christmas song?
'Fairytale of New York'.

Who's the most rock and roll person who ever lived?
Oliver Reed or Richard Harris.

What artist/song/genre do you secretly enjoy listening to?
Probably a band called The High Kings, it's Finbar Furey's son's group. They sing a few songs, they're pretty dodgy on one or two, but they're good on a few others!

Who would you most like to meet/have met?
The guy who played Fredo in 'The Godfather', John Cazale.

What book can you read again and again?
Probably 'Waiting for Godot', I know it's not really a book, is that a cop-out?!

What's the greatest album ever recorded?
Probably 'Revolver'. One of my favorite Beatles albums. Always go back to it when I don't know what to listen to.

What artists would be in your supergroup?
Let's see, I'd have either John Bonham, Keith Moon or Ginger Baker on drums, hmm, probably have to go with Bonham, then Rory Gallagher on lead guitar and Paul McCartney on bass.

What sitcom character can you most identify with?
I was going to say Smithy from 'Gavin & Stacey', but is that on over there?

What movie can you watch over and over again?
'The Big Liebowski'.

Who's your favorite cartoon character?
Daffy, no, Donald Duck!

What's the greatest place you've visited?
Vietnam.

What's mankind's most wonderful invention?
The teabag.

What's mankind's most irritating invention?
The iPhone.

Who's the funniest person who ever lived?
John Belushi.

Who's your favorite namesake?
Peter the Great! No, make that Peter O'Toole.

Who's your favorite character from literature?
Probably Leopold Bloom.

Report Finds Irish Girls Among Worst Dancers in World

A recently published study, carried out by Princeton University's Department of Hairdressing in conjunction with Donegal College for Nuclear Physics, has determined that of 249 nationalities surveyed, Irish women are among the worst dancers in the world. The study, which took 712 hours (the playing time of all 143 'Now That's What I Call Music' albums) to complete, saw professors from the two institutions travel across the globe, where they studied women dancing on the sun-kissed beaches of Rio, in the heaving nightclubs of Ibiza, in the lounges of Las Vegas and in a dirty oul' field on a damp morning in County Leitrim.

Professor Irving 'Jim' Irvstein, a leading psychological engineer and part-time colorist at Mandy's Hair Creations, led the investigation, and said of its findings: 'Dancing is a form of celebration, a way of expressing one's inner delight and excitement at a particularly memorable moment of joy. We see a direct correlation between witnessing thousands of bronzed beauties in bikinis celebrate football's World Cup on the beaches in Brazil, to watching a mad oul' one slow-dance with an injured calf on a freezing morning in Athlone. Though admittedly, I sent my assistant, Clive, to watch that one. He said it was a little disturbing, and fairly shite'.

Professor Irvstein, speaking from his cell in Dublin's Mountjoy Prison, where he's being held for impersonating a university professor, and ogling dancing women in a disturbing manner, spoke of the various experiments his team carried out to ensure fairness across the board. While in Milan at an after-party during Fashion Week, his staff observed the models dancing to some of Europe's most well-known DJs, and then in Clondalkin, County Dublin, he went to an over-40s event on a Tuesday afternoon to Cassie Blanca's Nite Klub, where he asked the resident spinmaster to play 'Don't You Want Me' the 1982 hit by The Human League, over and over again.

'Watching 14 oul' ones dancing around little white handbags, and indeed, the occasional plastic supermarket carrier bag, one with the groceries still inside, wasn't quite up to par with observing Monaco's royalty strutting their majestic stuff at a function celebrating their brilliantness, but sure, it's all a bit of craic', said the Professor's assistant Clive, as he continually smelled his hands.

Among the other regions ranked in the dancing stakes, were: Colombia, where the study-team took in a private event at pop singer Shakira's residence, Ukraine as the World ice-skating championships was going on and Tullamore, County Offaly, during calving season.

Speaking of Ireland's relatively low ranking in the dancing charts (the nation came 247th out of 249 countries, only Ceylon, which doesn't technically exist anymore, and North Korea, which the lads weren't allowed into, ranked lower), Bernie Cobb, the 11-time runner-up in County Westmeath's bi-annual disco dancing tournament, said; 'Ah that's me hole'.

Story by Bosco Coppell, pictures by Denise's Carry-On Luggage and Removable Wallpaper Store. 

Irishman Paired With North Korean Leader for Dancing With Stars

A famous dictaphone, yesterday. 

A young dancer from Ireland has failed to mask his disappointment, having been paired with a rather surprising entrant for the next series of 'Dancing With The Stars'. Dessie 'Desmond' Hennessy (61), from north Mayo, hence the unusual spelling of his name (though spelled 'Dessie', it's actually pronounced 'Steve'), has battled for almost three years through a series of auditions to get to the televised rounds of the enormously popular TV series, where a dancer gets to perform with someone reasonably famous.

Speaking with The Heraldy Press, Mr. Mulgrew (he'd changed his name by the time we started this paragraph) said; 'When I saw the possibilities for this season's show, I was excited to say the least, I mean, I could've wound up dancing with Alanis Morrisette, Tom Selleck, one of the lads that did the voices for popular '80s kids show 'Fraggle Rock', or the tall man from the 'Police Academy' films. To end up with that b****cks, Kim Jong-Un, probably my least favorite of all the recent dictators, is a bitter disappointment to say the least'.

In what has proved to be one of the most unpopular decisions that the show's producers have come up with in recent years, this season's episodes are to feature political figures from around the world paired with members of the dancing public. Already, one contestant, Harry 'Harry' Svenson from Connecticut has withdrawn from the show, as he disagreed with his partner, Iceland's Minister for Agriculture Jim O'Dwyer's controversial views on goat-herding, while another episode featured a cat-fight between Lorraine Pearson, a cosmetologist from Wisconsin, and her partner Jimmy 'Jim' Pederson, Oslo's deputy lady-mayor, when one said the other had a massive arse.

The North Korean leader meanwhile, not particularly well-known for his dance moves, nor indeed renowned for his friendliness or interest in dancing-themed reality shows from the western hemisphere, has insisted that his scenes be filmed either inside his home in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, or in a field behind his uncle Maurice's pub in County Clare. We tried to contact Mr. Jong-Un's office for an official statement with regards to the incident, but there was no way we'd spend nearly four dollars for an international call just to speak to him, sure look at the state of him.

'Dancing with the Stars - Season 96' is to begin filming tomorrow morning, with the special DVD featuring outtakes and bloopers, including one hilarious scene where a fella can clearly be witnessed reading Shania Twain's autobiography, and another which shows two lads from Wexford drunkenly dancing to no music 'for the craic', and to be released in a few years. Probably.